1800s

I don't know exactly what it is. Maybe it's the in-retrospect ignorance of the day.  Maybe it's the boxing outfits.  Maybe it's the hilariously shoddy scientific terms like "brain fever."  All in all, I am fascinated by the 1800s.  Actually, strike that.  Rather, I am fascinated by the cartoon version of the 1800s that exists in my head.  Please, enjoy this page, a small extension of what lies in my head.

BULLY!

Actual photo of me from circa 150 years ago.

• "Is your lady friend in ownership of a foundry, because she's certainly making my undergarments hard as steel!"
• "Your fine pharmacy seems the purveyor of a great number of remedies as well the meet-up for some real dolls!"

• "If your wife wasn't such a handy strumpet I'd deliver a square sockdollager right to her kisser.  Either way something will be Pony Express'd to her kisser!"
• "Smart as a steel trap, you say?  All my ears hear is claptrap! Bunkum! Balderdash!"
• "Back off you plug-ugly or I'll hand you defeat with all the doings!"
• "Let me put it to you like this: I gave the man two bits and he's still worth less than shucks!"
• "On a three count, I say we skedaddle down to the ol' groggery for a spirit and a bit of the tail-trade!"

• "You there!  You have a complexion closely resembling a map of the British Empire!"
• "With that mug of yours, I prefer conversational intercourse with you over Bell's telephone machine -- like I do with the company of your sister!"
• "If that woman's skirt rises any higher above her ankle, I might not even need a stiff rod to apply a lathering of Brothelita's Genuine Lady Parts Tonic!"
  

• "Have you seen Mildred lately?  She has a girth that would give the Liberty statue a run for her money!"
• "She's had so many suitors, I imagine a night with her is a lot like a journey through the Suez, except perhaps more expensive!"
• "You, sir, have the managerial talents of the British Empire!"

• "Your lady friend is of such grand girth, Knickerbocker Magazine periodical needed a special edition just to continue her photograph."
• "Word around town is your relational sessions are as quick as greased lightning!"
• "He's the biggest toad in the puddle... of course the puddle is riddled with syphilis."

• "A single look at you makes me instantly regret my substantial investment in that Edison fellow's electric light device!"
• "Miss, your expertise with long cylindrical wood and bullocks might give ball of bases player King Kelly a run for his money!"
• "Had you been married to Van Gogh, surely his eyes would have followed his ear!"

• "Sir, you are of such short stature, I cannot discern where the ground begins and your tailcoat ends!"
• "Surely the Pony Express will arrive before your lady's orgasm."
• "I've taken up company with a great many women, but you miss are by far the beatemest!"
• "Oh, that little number?  That's Miss Theodosia. Word at the groggery is she can out suck a gallnipper."
• "I would be mad as a March hare if I caught Minerva honey-fuggling with as many suitors as your dearest Josephine!"

• "Not even a rigorous routine of calisthenics, supplemented by pounds of red meat and dairy, could assist me in satisfying your wife's extreme sexual requirements."  
• "The Queen of England just Morse coded via the Transatlantic cable, she requires her tiara and scepter back."

• "You, sir, are the titan of no industry.  Unless, of course, that industry is... lily-livered."
• "Your lady friend's monogamy practices are highly suspect."
• "Your female's homeliness is not even subsided by a belly full of fine ale."
• "Your mental ineptitude cannot even be cured by Old Man Thackery's Brain Fever Tonic."
• "You there, suds mistress! I've tasted better gin out of Old Man Johnson's bathtub... and Johnson had not yet finished his bath!"

• "Are you going to square up to me you roustabout, or should I play to your comforts and fetch one of my wife's unmentionables so that you might model it for us?"
• "You, sir, have a face better designed for Marconi's radio transmitting device!"
• "It seems your horse has thrown a shoe.  Well, dear chap, if I was carrying a man as ugly as you, I might have thrown all four!"
• "I believe your carriage has landed itself in a ditch.  Or perhaps your horse can no longer tolerate the foul smell."
• "I'm afraid your cow's teets have run dry -- oh my goodness, a thousand apologies -- that's your wife."
• "I've heard word that the Saturday post has reduced the number of large words in print as it's been known to confuse you Yale men."

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