5 Keys To Success, No Matter Who Or Where You Are In the Universe

5. Exist. It's important that you exist. Otherwise, your ability to do things may be compromised by your inability to exist to do those things.

4. Learn to make cakes. Cakes are delicious, and you never know when you'll need a good cake. Everyone loves cakes, except people who don't exist, in which case, who cares, what are they going to do about it?

3. Create an effective defense or escape plan for when those people who don't exist finally start existing and suddenly want to punish us for not acknowledging them prior to their existing. Perhaps start ceasing to exist yourself. Yeah, NOW WHAT, people who until just recently didn't exist?? You might exist, but now we don't, so you're once again not on our team. BOOM.

2. Appease the giraffes. Never forget. Appease the giraffes. You've been warned.

1. Last, and most important obviously, stay in school. ... No, like physically stay on the premises forever. Find a home within the building, perhaps a rarely used office or storage closet. Acquire the necessary items for sustained habitation. Get good and comfy. This is your home now.

And that spells SUCCESS.