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People Love Their Terrible Vanity Plates

Don't get a vanity plate.  Just don't.  99% of the time, you will be mocked.  And you can say, "Well, I don't care what people think of me."

No, of course you don't, you just chose to advertise some part of your personality on the ass of your vehicle.  You don't care what they think, you just want to get their attention, and impress upon them your creative vehicular essence. 

You want people to know about you.  But you don't care if or what they think about you.  That's a fine line of bullshit, my friend.

Today on my way to work, I saw this one.  Forgive the expense of quality for the sake of safety, and taking a photo while driving in general, but I assure you, all was well and all ended well.

Hmm, "THE D."  Now, what could that possibly stand for?

The Dude?  No, that's taken.
Tenacious D or The D, could that be it?!  Nah.  As we've established, people with vanity plates aren't cool.
The Dominoes?  Maybe he used to deliver.  No, that's not it.

Hmm, what could this douche have been douching around in his douche head when he went to the DMV and got this douchey vanity plate.

Damn, you know what, I just can't put my finger on it.  Perhaps if I were to go rinse myself clean -- you know, real thorough, inside and outside of my body -- I would clean my mind also, and then I'd be able to think of what "D" stands for.

Maybe I'll use a special soap, sponge or pump while I shower, too.  Might help.

Breaking Bad RPG

This is all kinds of awesome.  You'll recall I don't post anything on this site that doesn't meet those strict guidelines.  One kind of awesome?  Take a fucking hike.  Some kinds of awesome?  I pity you.  All kinds of awesome? Standard operating procedure.

Anyway, check out this video from College Humor...

CollegeHumor’s Favorite Funny Videos

Thrift Store Book Club: "Moondust and Madness"

Today's book-that-I-bought-at-a-thrift-store is Moondust and Madness by Janelle Taylor.

From the back cover:

"SLAVE TO HER OWN DESIRE
Commander Varian Saar had come from a place beyond imagining and claimed Jana for his own. His powerful hand left a fiery trail across her ivory skin, his cobalt eyes possessed her with their unrestrained longing...and now her fate rested in his quicksilver grasp. Forbidden partners ...forbidden love...and soon their mad, tumultuous union became a pledge as boundless as the universe itself, a promise to seek their future among the glittering stars."

Varian Saar (pictured above) is commander of the ship Wanderlust. I'll wait a moment to let your boner subside and/or nipples retreat.  While visiting Earth, you know, for the standard abductions and anal probings, he discovers Jana, whom he views as the most beautiful being in the universe and a prize for his home planet.


So he does what any highly intelligent being of a race capable of interstellar travel does: he kidnaps her and forces upon her many sexual advances.  And like any born and bread American girl in a romance novel, she receives these sexual advances at first unwillingly.  But then 2 seconds later, after a hand across his tight rippled stomach, she's ready for a roll in the space hay.


But things are complicated, as highlighted by this passage...

"Jana watched him closely with fathomless eyes (Andy's note: these eyes are without fathom, there is no fathom here, fathom departed from these eyes long ago).  She had piqued his curiosity.  If she couldn't have him, damn him for abducting her and selling her!  Damn him for opening her to pervasive longings!"

Yes, damn those pervasive longings! And then, many hundreds of skipped pages later, weird shit like this goes down...

He entered her.  Time and time again he drove savagely into her receptive body.  "Anything you wish, my beloved Shara."  The moment of his climax, as always (Andy's note: as always = YAWN), he feasted greedily on his mother's breast (Andy's note: what the f...) as if he were a starving baby.  Rolling his sated body aside, he replied dishonestly.  "You give me all I need.  How could Varian's alien whore compare with Princess Shara Triloni?"

Ah, the next specialized section to be added at Barnes & Noble after Vampire/Supernatural Romance: the Sci-Fi Incest section.  Well, I can't think of a better place to stop, take a cold shower, and scrub down with steel wool until the blood clogs the drain, can you?

The Force Is Strong With This One

Don't know where this originated, but I think all of us -- Republican, Democrat, Independent, Gay, Straight, Human, Alien, Imperial, Rebel, Jedi, Sith -- can come together in agreement that this is lightyears of force-wielding awesome.

People Like Me, And Then Don't

Person: Hey, I saw you walking the other day.
Me: Oh yeah?
Person: Yeah, do you walk a lot?
Me: Yeah, quite a bit.
Person: Whereabouts?
Me: You know, all over.  From my house to my car.  From my car to my house.  Within my house.  I've been doing it most of my life, actually.  Since I was about 1.
Person: Shut up.
Me: Sorry.

Reporter Tries To Interrupt The President's Address

...then Obama interrupts his face.  With words.

"Excuse me, sir, it's not time for questions, sir," Obama said. "Not while I'm speaking."

Photographers' reaction: Oh, snap.

I've Been Doing This Quite Often Lately

Sometimes...

Sometimes you have those days when you're not quite feeling like yourself.  Where the beautiful Summer breeze isn't enough to lift your spirits, and the cardinal perched in the tree can't sing a song lovely enough to drive away the doubt of everyday life.  The lush green grass cushions your aching feet but can do nothing for your bothered mind.  The company of family keeps you at ease, and a late afternoon movie is there to distract.  The sun retreats, cooling your skin, and blinding you less and less.  And finally there is clarity.  Finally, you see.

The Village is an awful fucking movie.

I Wanted To Have Clean Hands, But No One Ever Showed...

Wal-Meth: Looks Cheap... But At THAT Price?!

I like to get all my news in one eyeball-melting, Ark-of-the-Covenant-opening-like blast.  So I wait until Friday.  Usually by then, all the crazies have had a solid week to do whatever they think will help make a name for themselves; whether it be eating someone else's face in a bath salt induced drug psychosis, or... somebody less date-able.

A woman in Missouri was arrested for cooking meth in a Wal-Mart.  This is surprising to those of us who just assumed everyone knew that people cooked meth in Wal-Marts.  When you walk into a Wal-Mart, you sense it... "Someone might be cooking meth in here." 

Then you see the guy with the mullet and a molecule pattern shaved into the side of his head, wearing a Looney Toons Space Jam jersey and a pair of sweatpants that look like repurposed public bathroom paper towel... and you just know someone is cooking meth in that Wal-Mart.

Now off to buy a universal remote made in Azerbaijan that takes Q batteries.

Uh Oh, Zoltrog Has Come Out In Support Of Scott Walker

Zoltrog's Blog: Zoltrog Endorses Wisconsin Governor And Puny Human Scott Walker


Let's just hope he doesn't get that death ray he's been after.  Walker, I mean.

HuffPost Piece: Scott Walker Should Be Fired... Into Space

Scott Walker Should Be Fired... Into Space

by

This Guy 

(You can't see me now, but I've got two thumbs and they're both pointed at myself.)

More People To Be Fired Into Space

Funny story.  It's 2008.  There are these two girls.  They're driving along and they see a girl scout sitting at a table selling cookies.  Then they see an envelope where the girl has been putting the money for all the cookies she's sold.

One girl runs up, takes the envelope, hops into her friend's car, and they speed away.  Probably not to their house full of books and scholarly journals and other academic pursuits.

More likely, back to their dank, opiate lair where they vomit out of their human skin and sludge back into a demon kennel maintained by a morbidly obese Satan, using their tendril hair to wipe the sweat from beneath his man boobs, and forever injecting his demon seed into them like slop buckets.

So, yeah, while watching this raw news footage, try not to die from over-wishing-these-girls-were-dead ...

And here's a meme I created just for them...

Girl Scout Money-Stealing Bitch meme