Yay, Wisconsin! Yay, Sarcasm!

A new study measuring the scholastic grade level of members of congress found 2 of the top 10 dumbest members of congress are from Wisconsin!

Representative Sean Duffy, once of the Real World, now officially real stupid, please step forward!  Rep. Duffy says he has lots of kids and lots of debt.

4. Sean Duffy, R-WI: At a town hall meeting in Wisconsin, Duffy was asked whether he’d vote to cut his $174,000 congressional salary. He proceeded to whine about how $174,000 really isn’t that much: "I guarantee that I have more debt than all of you. With six kids, I still pay off my student loans. I still pay my mortgage." (alternet.org)

Here's a tip that others in your party love to give to people in the lower classes: stop having kids.  Or stop having second homes.

OH SNAP!

And Senator Ron Johnson, guy who I'm not entirely sure exists at all based on the fact that he does nothing better than anyone, come on down!  He's 6 foot something, 100 and something pounds, and he does not under any circumstances accept government assistan---oh, well, if it's just right there for the taking... NOM NOM NOM GOVERNMENT MONEY NOM NOM NOM!

10. Ron Johnson, R-WI: Johnson has been a harsh critic of the government stimulus bills. But somehow that didn’t stop him from seeking stimulus funds for renovations to the Grand Opera House when he was president of the venue’s board. His explanation when asked to justify the apparent hypocrisy was that "he may have asked a question or two, but that doesn’t mean he supports the stimulus effort or even wanted the money." (alternet.org)

NOM NOM NOM!

More Memes

I don't know why, but this meme kills me...

Insanity Wolf

Here's a few of my favorites...

Oh mercy.  I love you, Insanity Wolf.

Who Really Creates Jobs?

This is a really great argument about what really drives job creation in America.  HINT: It's not giving rich capitalists everyone's money and letting them financially rub one out.  In short, consumers create jobs, and the Middle class is the country's largest consumer.

Amen.  And to drive the point home on people who say "Just get a job," here is It's Always Sunny In Philadelphia on that idea, why it is moronic, and why those who say it could easily create jobs, if those jobs were to beat the shit out of them.

A Fair Question

My Friend Elford Alley Wrote Something For Cracked And It's Good And You Should Read It

A great friend of mine wrote a piece for Cracked and I think you should check it out.  No... I order you to check it out.  Yes, that's right.  I'm pulling out the blogging stranger favor card and presenting it to you.  Grant me my favor and read this.

Disregard previous favors, like when I needed your kidney, or when I needed you to lend me money so I could get a lawyer and defend myself in court after stealing a kidney.  Yeah, ignore those.

6 Ridiculous Lies You Believe About the Founding of America

Guy On Crotch Rocket Shows Off His Speed, Then Has To Backtrack To Find Something He Lost In The Process

It's like hitting a game-winning home run then walking back onto the field to look for your contact lens.  Like telling someone off with a terrific zinger and walking out the door, only to return to borrow money for a cab.  It's like entertaining everyone with a hilarious joke and then retelling it to a latecomer, while everyone else hears it again.

This guy.  We'll call him Rex to start the story.  Rex had it all.  The backwards hat, the black shades, the bright red motorcycle.  He revved that engine and took off down the road like a bolt of lightning.  That high pitched bike rev that sounds like "NEIN!"  Nein-Nein-Neeeeeeiiiiiin-Neeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiiinn.  Like a German Transformer.

And with that, Rex was gone.

A few minutes go by.  Something's wrong.  Rex is back, but he's kind of dawdling along looking down at the road, searching for something.

Oh no.  Rex, once cool and no doubt well-endowed thanks to years of engine revving, has become Mortimer. Awkward and unsure, his bike barely idling.  Mortimer has removed his glasses.

What did he drop?  A pocket protector?  His allergy medicine?  This can't be the same guy.  Mortimer, what happened to you?  You used to be so Rex.  Now look at you.

I've lost all faith in humanity.

Blah

1. Feasting on a baby-sized Qdoba chicken queso burrito.  Black beans, white rice, and a lovable corn salsa.
2. Taking a long run on a calm, star-filled night.  Gentle breeze, empty streets, and the rustling trees.

Separate, these are peaceful, satisfying life experiences. 

But together, they are a terror-filled whiff of the vomitous ether choking you on a fleshy bone bridge high above a bloody entrail-laden lake of Hell.

Yeah, woo!

Case Of The Mondays, or Aliens Are Responsible For Mondays Being Awful

Today was one of those days.  I feel I got enough sleep.  I even ate breakfast, something I never do.  For some reason though, I was dragging big time.

But it was funny, because almost everyone else was in the same boat.  No one at work seemed to have a lot of energy.  People were zapped.  Zapped zombies.

I decided on the most obvious explanation.  Alien invasion.

Hear me out.

If you were an invading alien force, what day are you going to invade on.  A Friday?  Bah, people gather energy so they can go out and have a good time on Fridays.  Frankly I feel bad for alien invaders who pick Friday.  "Ah, this Midwest town will be easily conquered, as they're tired from a week of working!" 

But very soon they learn that the only thing Midwesterners have to look forward to is a weekend of drinking.  Friday is not a day of rest, it's a day we muster all the strength we can, and we turn our amps up to 11.  We go out, stay up later than normal, and we easily defend ourselves from stupid alien invaders.

Monday on the other hand, Monday is the day when people, for the most part, just don't care.  If aliens invaded on a Monday, most people wouldn't have the willpower, so early in the week, to fight back.  We'd just be angry that we came to work on humanity's last day.

Now, who really knows why Mondays historically suck.  But here goes...

MONDAY ALIEN CONSPIRACY THEORY:

Aliens, in conjunction with beer manufacturers, are spending the weekends getting Americans drunk.  Beer, liquor, spirits---it's all unearthly.  That song "Shots" by LMFAO featuring Lil Jon is a construct of the invading alien force. 

Let's be honest, Lil Jon is a fucking alien. 

Also, that girl/guy you went home with? Just a ploy by the aliens to deplete your energy and make you feel bad about yourself, depressed, and thereby vulnerable to attack.

Come Monday, we're struggling.  We're hung over.  Our energy stores are depleted.  On Monday, Earth's wallet is empty, Earth's mouth is dry, and Earth's belly is full of debilitating McDonald's drive-thru.  Leaving itself open to an easy and successful alien invasion.

Trust me, it makes sense.

RIP Adam Yauch aka MCA

Adam Yauch, also known as MCA, of the Beastie Boys past away today at the age of 47.  The Beastie Boys were one of my favorite groups. 

To those who had only a passing interest, they were white, frat boy rappers.  But to anyone who loved them, the Beasties were a rap group, they were a rock band, a punk band, a jam band, activists, and everything in between.

Here's one of my favorite Beastie tracks, So What Cha Want...

Good stuff, Adam.

Ideas For Static Channels

So I was at a bar and on the TV was an aquarium scene, with fish frolicking about happily.  It looked wonderful.  I could have watched it all night.  It got me thinking, there must be a channel that shows just aquariums, similar to those fireplace DVDs people buy that show only a calm peaceful fireplace for 4.7GB.

Here are some other static channel ideas I think would be very popular based on living in this world on a daily basis.

The Aquarium Channel
As mentioned before, this must exist.  I was quite mesmerized by this.  And I'm sure the house cat lobby was all over the cable providers to get this channel implemented.

The Accident Gawker Channel
Just an accident scene to sit, relax, and gawk at.  Something's happening but you're not sure.  They just took that guy out on a stretcher but we're not sure if he was in that car or that car.  That women over there said the car flipped over that rail and just... you know, shit... I know, I was just eating these chips and all of a sudden, you know, boom.  Hope everyone's okay. *open second bag of chips*

The Girlfriend Waiting For An Explanation Channel
This channel could get a little uncomfortable.  A girl is just a few feet in front of you, staring.  She's waiting for an explanation.  It's pretty clear that you've done something wrong.  In all likelihood, you're guilty, but you don't really know what to say.  And she has no plan to say anything at all.  Her arms are crossed, her foot is thumping the floor, and she's waiting to hear what you have to say for yourself.  Better think of something or turn the channel.

The Functionless Expensive Things Channel
You spent a lot of money on those things which just sort of sit there and have no real utility.  May as well dedicate a channel to watching them.  That vase seems nice.  So does that plaster lion paw sitting on your coffee table.  Too bad they don't really do much other than sit there.  Yeah sure, turn the volume up all the way, it won't matter.