Listen, this might not get you a lot of dates, but it will get you a lot of candy. Gimme some sugar babies.
Friday, March 30, 2012
Thursday, March 29, 2012
Man Saved From Mountain Lion By Bear
Man Saved From Mountain Lion By Passing Bear
Shortly after man is saved by bear...
Shortly after man is saved by bear...
MANCool, well, thanks a lot for saving me from that bear.
BEAROh yeah, it's no trouble, you know, I was just kind of passing through and you looked like you could have used some help.
MANYeah, no, I totally appreciate that. It was really great that you were here.
BEARYeah, I mean, I know what it can be like to sort get stuck in the middle of nowhere and something's trying to kill you, it's not too fun.
MAN
Oh totally, totally.
BEARWell...
MANYeah I should probably get going. Wife'll be wondered where I went off to...
BEARI mean, I really can't just let you go...
MANWhat's that?
BEARYeah, I mean, I really can't let you go. I mean, you're a food source, I got my cubs here, we all really need to eat something. Plus we're bears, we're pretty indiscriminate when we're hungry.
MANOh really? Oh that's too bad.
BEARYeah.
MANI mean I really respect that you don't discriminate.
BEARYeah, we're pretty forward thinking as far as forest creatures go.
MANCool, yeah, that's great. That's great.
BEARAlright so, is there any special way you wanna do this to make it go by quicker. I'd really like to get this going before the ranger gets here. I'm sure he heard all that screaming and whatnot from the mountain lion that I saved you from.
MANYeah, I don't know, is there anyway I could talk you out of eating me.
BEARYou know, not really. I hate to be so firm on this, but I have been trying to be more assertive in my everyday life, you know exude more confidence.
MANNo, that's awesome. You have to, you know. I always tell my wife that, sometimes you have to be the asshole.
BEARExactly. Exactly. I'm trying to tell my cubs that. You gotta stick up for yourself.
MANCould I invite you over for dinner? We could cook you a nice meal and you could meet my wife. You wouldn't have to go through the trouble of eating me.
BEARYou know, I'd probably just end up eating your wife, too. I mean, I can put down probably two humans, plus what my cubs eat. And you look like you don't have too much weight on you.
MANThanks, you know I've been trying to lose some weight.
BEAROh well, it's working, whatever you're doing.
MANAw, thanks, I appreciate that.
BEAR
No problem, no problem. Okay, well, on with the show I guess--
RANGERHey, what's going on here, everyone okay?
MANYeah, yeah, we're all good. A mountain lion attacked me and this bear stopped it.
BEARActually yeah, we were kind of in the middle of something, so if you could be on your way, that'd be great.
RANGERSorry, can't leave you two alone. You're gonna have to get back out into the woods.
BEARWhat? Aw, come on. You know what, this sucks. I come out here, I save this guy's life, I put myself and my cubs at risk, and I get nothing in return.
RANGERWell, I'm sorry your disappointed.
MANYeah, I'm sorry.
BEAROh, you're sorry? Well, sorry isn't gonna feed my kids you know. This is just like humans. You guys suck. You have sucky attitudes.
MANOh we have sucky attitudes?
BEARYeah you have a very unbalanced sucky attitude towards life.
MANUnbalanced?
BEARYeah, I mean you come in here into my home and you hike through for exercise to try and lose that spare tire around your waist...
MAN
Oh, okay, try to hurt me and my feelings, that's mature, after all the nice things you said?
BEARYou know what, I just feel a little slighted by this whole experience. And I think I should leave before I say something that I'll regret.
MANYeah maybe we should all just go our separate ways.
BEARYeah, yeah, I hope you both enjoy your wonderful walk through my home, after I saved you from being killed by a mountain lion... unbelievable...
Tuesday, March 27, 2012
Saturday, March 24, 2012
Hunger Games Ryan Gosling Meme
3 Soda Criticisms That, By Science's Reasoning, Will Actually Make Me A Manly Superhero
I saw this story and it made me consider my own mortality, given the amount of soda I've consumed in my lifetime.
Hear that guys? Feeling a little less than a man down there? Drink soda and your organs will get bigger. Listen, this is science. Science says my penis is an organ. Science says drinking soda will increase the size of my organs. Ipso facto, I love science. And now soda, too.
Awesome! So what you're saying is, not only should firefighters drink plenty of soda, but that I should also drink plenty of soda and race into burning buildings to assist them, thereby making myself some sort of manly vigilante superhero? I'll do it!
The argument here is that genetically engineered ingredients have only been in our systems since the 1990s, and we don't know what harmful effects they will have on our bodies in the long term. So we may be creating degenerative diseases, or... we may become like the X-Men, a team of fighting mutant superheroes, gifted with powers and abilities! Large breasts for the women, strong jaw lines for the men, and all of us in perfect physical condition thanks to soda! Sweet, sweet soda!
Go, soda!
#1 Soda Fattens Up Your Organs
Hear that guys? Feeling a little less than a man down there? Drink soda and your organs will get bigger. Listen, this is science. Science says my penis is an organ. Science says drinking soda will increase the size of my organs. Ipso facto, I love science. And now soda, too.
#2 Soda Contains Flame Retardants
Awesome! So what you're saying is, not only should firefighters drink plenty of soda, but that I should also drink plenty of soda and race into burning buildings to assist them, thereby making myself some sort of manly vigilante superhero? I'll do it!
#3 Drinking Soda Makes You A Lab Rat
The argument here is that genetically engineered ingredients have only been in our systems since the 1990s, and we don't know what harmful effects they will have on our bodies in the long term. So we may be creating degenerative diseases, or... we may become like the X-Men, a team of fighting mutant superheroes, gifted with powers and abilities! Large breasts for the women, strong jaw lines for the men, and all of us in perfect physical condition thanks to soda! Sweet, sweet soda!
Go, soda!
Thursday, March 22, 2012
January Jones and the Hipster Photobomb
If you've never watched Mad Men, it's a pretty great show. And it features the lady below, January Jones. This hipster in the background is cracking me up. For two reasons...
1) He's doesn't care who this girl is, the camera is for him. Well, if it was still cool.
2) He's not getting caught looking at January Jones, like a normal man should.
Actually if he was a true hipster, he would always be in two places at once, so that you could never ever say he's doing anything in particular, establishing it as current and therefore no longer cool. If he were a real hipster the picture would be more like this...
See? In this picture, he's like, "Oh you think I'm walking into this photo? Walking into photos isn't cool. No, I'm walking out of this photo." Of course, by the time you've looked at the hipster's other self, he's already out of the photo altogether, and onto his next universe-collapsing, time-transcending adventure.
Hipsters: Cooler than the speed of light.
1) He's doesn't care who this girl is, the camera is for him. Well, if it was still cool.
2) He's not getting caught looking at January Jones, like a normal man should.
Actually if he was a true hipster, he would always be in two places at once, so that you could never ever say he's doing anything in particular, establishing it as current and therefore no longer cool. If he were a real hipster the picture would be more like this...
See? In this picture, he's like, "Oh you think I'm walking into this photo? Walking into photos isn't cool. No, I'm walking out of this photo." Of course, by the time you've looked at the hipster's other self, he's already out of the photo altogether, and onto his next universe-collapsing, time-transcending adventure.
Hipsters: Cooler than the speed of light.
Saturday, March 17, 2012
Mom, Where's My Drum Rug! I Can't Play My Drums Without My Drum Rug!
I play drums. I used to be in bands, and it was a lot of fun. When you're in high school and playing in a band, you're constantly focused on getting new equipment. Always looking for the new thing to buy. Of course, if you're a normal person, you don't have the money, so you get the best drum kit you can and play that kit the best you can.
So I was shocked when I saw Drum Rugs on sale. Drum Rugs??? Isn't that also just... A rug? Any rug?
Drum Rug Salesman
"Yeah, you could just set your kit on any old rug, but it won't be a Drum Rug. And deep down, you'll know that, and it will slowly eat away at your soul. Now let's go check out Drummer Water that only drummers drink. And then I'll show you the new Drummer Room. It's a small room you place within any room and you can play drums inside it. Then just fill the Drummer Room with new Drummer Air, and you're all set to rock out!"
Thursday, March 15, 2012
What's Mitt Listening To?
A photo caught Mitt Romney in a personal moment this week, ear buds in, listening to something. What's he listening to?
"Transvaginally Probing Your Inner Vagina... Chapter 1..."
"Money, money, money, mooooooooney.... moooooney...."
"Goodbye, Hispanic vote... Adiós, voto hispano..."
"I gotta be meeeeeeee... I gotta be meeeeeee..."
Tuesday, March 13, 2012
An Essay Chronicling My Experience at a Wayward Financial Institution, or... A Cordial Invitation for Chase Bank to Suck My Dick
Banks are trying to sneak their fees back in.
It's been nearly two months since I attempted to remove myself from the flaccid institution known as JP Morgan Chase. The relationship started off innocent enough. Ooh, free checking. Hot diggity.
The workers there were nice. My sister even worked there for a brief period. But this isn't about the workers. This is about Chase bank, the institution, which is a giant dick.
Now you're asking, "But wait, if Chase is a dick, and they're sucking your dick, how would that work?" The answer is, I don't know. Maybe if one was really huge and the other one was -- you know what, it's not important.
PART I: CHASE IS A DICK
I once went into my local Chase with the intention of depositing a check. As I waited in line, a banker came out and said, "Oh, I can help you with that." I thought, "Oh awesome, this will speed things up."
Then he brought me into the back and raped me.
Financially.
Well, he tried. I could have sworn his pen was one of the drug company handouts and said Rohypnol on it.
This eager young man somehow went from depositing my check to figuring out a way I could open two other accounts to manage my cash flow, which was really more of a cash trickle. When I look back at all the fees Chase heaped onto their average client, I wonder what the fees would have amounted to had I opened more accounts.
After their overdraft protection debacle (where people were automatically signed up for it and all the fees that might result) Chase sent out letter after letter saying that if you didn't sign up for Overdraft Protection, your debit card would be denied should you try to purchase something you didn't have the funds for.
Terrific. Living paycheck to paycheck, I can afford the embarrassment of being denied, but I can't afford the overdraft costs. So, please, by all means, like most girls I approach, deny me if I don't have any money. I'm fine with no Overdraft Protection, AKA, overdraft your account by $1, have a minimum of $50 transferred over from your credit card, which will have a special overdraft interest rate of about 35%, AKA, sucking a boatload of dicks.
Then the first overdraft came. What the deuce? My card should have been denied. I check my account settings. Sure enough, no overdraft protection, i.e., my card should have been denied. I go into my local Chase branch, they fix what they thought the problem was, and the sucking of dicks continues.
PART II: LIKE, A TOTAL DICK
Around this time, the time of the banks going to shit, Chase began adding and increasing a whole host of fees. Every month, because my checking account was under a certain amount--I'm not a wealthy man--I would get charged a fee, which came out to about $12.
See, Chase needed a steady cash flow in order to maintain their wheelbarrow-of-dicks-a-day habit. So, who gets to pay for this? You and I, the consumers. Consumers, however, is a misnomer since, as previously mentioned, <em>Chase</em> is consuming all the dicks.
Well, one day when Chase was feeling particularly dick-succulent (this hyphenate doesn't even makes sense, but I'm rolling with it), they charged me this $12 fee (the "we're taking your money because you don't have money" fee), and in doing so, overdrafted my account.
With their own fee.
Which resulted in an overdraft fee, and a debiting of my credit card $50.
Back me up, Louis CK...
With me so far? That's... Chase hits me with a fee, which overdrafts my account, which brings on a second fee, Chase sucks a rocket ship payload of dicks, adding a $50 charge on my credit card, at an interest rate of 35%.
Shouldn't they get denied, too, for trying to overspend my insufficient funds on their fees?
A fee caused by their own fee was too Orwellian for me. I was done. I went to Chase that day and closed my accounts. The banker reluctantly did so, but not before getting in a buckshot of questions and sneaking the branch manager into the cubicle to make me reconsider.
Chase was like a clingy girlfriend who didn't want to let go. And like my last girlfriend, I owed Chase money and I'm pretty sure I wasn't the only one Chase was screwing.
Once it was all done, I sprinted out of there in disgust. Like Rick Santorum out of the Vagina Monologues. And I went immediately to a local credit union.
Folks, it was heavenly. I was so unused to the kindness and no strings attached policies that when the credit union associate handed me a simple form, I recoiled as if about to be struck. I was one of those abused animals from the ASPCA commercials, and the credit union was Sarah McLachlan. Except no one was bummed out.
PART III: SERIOUSLY, CHASE IS A HUGE, SWELLING DICK
But Chase had not yet released me from its greasy tendril-like pubes.
I had my credit card balance moved over to the credit union at about half the rate. They sent the check in the amount of the most recent balance to Chase--to one of their many blowjob divisions, I assume--with a notice to close the account. Done, right?
Funny story.
Chase decided it would temporarily halt its dick-sucking operation to get one more monthly service charge in there, even though it wasn't the scheduled time. And why not, Chase, it's always time for dicks, right!
Interest is compounded daily, I was told later, making it more difficult and more irritating for you to transfer your balance to another bank. Once your new bank's check has arrived by mail (the standard way to do it), the interest will have accrued, making your check inaccurate and insufficient to fully close your account.
Two months later, under the mistaken impression that I was free and clear from Just Penis Morgan Chase, I received a letter from Chase saying that I had a balance on my credit card of about $50. A service charge plus two months of late fees.
Months after beginning this exodus, I went in and paid the final FINAL balance, hoping this was truly final, like a sex-ending asteroid and not "final" like every Final Destination sequel.
I exited that Chase bank for the last time. Of course, not before having to speak to four people about how I can someday rejoin their penis party.
Now, I am in no way trying to demean anyone who enjoys penises. Heck, I enjoy my own very much. However, if you enjoy dicks and you are Chase bank, please help yourself to a Cold War-era ICBM-sized dick.
And then also to mine, which may or may not be noticeably smaller.
*If you're upset by penis humor, then you probably shouldn't have read this. Guess I should have mentioned this earlier. Oh well, sucks to be you. Like a penis.
It's been nearly two months since I attempted to remove myself from the flaccid institution known as JP Morgan Chase. The relationship started off innocent enough. Ooh, free checking. Hot diggity.
The workers there were nice. My sister even worked there for a brief period. But this isn't about the workers. This is about Chase bank, the institution, which is a giant dick.
Now you're asking, "But wait, if Chase is a dick, and they're sucking your dick, how would that work?" The answer is, I don't know. Maybe if one was really huge and the other one was -- you know what, it's not important.
PART I: CHASE IS A DICK
I once went into my local Chase with the intention of depositing a check. As I waited in line, a banker came out and said, "Oh, I can help you with that." I thought, "Oh awesome, this will speed things up."
Then he brought me into the back and raped me.
Financially.
Well, he tried. I could have sworn his pen was one of the drug company handouts and said Rohypnol on it.
This eager young man somehow went from depositing my check to figuring out a way I could open two other accounts to manage my cash flow, which was really more of a cash trickle. When I look back at all the fees Chase heaped onto their average client, I wonder what the fees would have amounted to had I opened more accounts.
After their overdraft protection debacle (where people were automatically signed up for it and all the fees that might result) Chase sent out letter after letter saying that if you didn't sign up for Overdraft Protection, your debit card would be denied should you try to purchase something you didn't have the funds for.
Terrific. Living paycheck to paycheck, I can afford the embarrassment of being denied, but I can't afford the overdraft costs. So, please, by all means, like most girls I approach, deny me if I don't have any money. I'm fine with no Overdraft Protection, AKA, overdraft your account by $1, have a minimum of $50 transferred over from your credit card, which will have a special overdraft interest rate of about 35%, AKA, sucking a boatload of dicks.
Then the first overdraft came. What the deuce? My card should have been denied. I check my account settings. Sure enough, no overdraft protection, i.e., my card should have been denied. I go into my local Chase branch, they fix what they thought the problem was, and the sucking of dicks continues.
PART II: LIKE, A TOTAL DICK
Around this time, the time of the banks going to shit, Chase began adding and increasing a whole host of fees. Every month, because my checking account was under a certain amount--I'm not a wealthy man--I would get charged a fee, which came out to about $12.
See, Chase needed a steady cash flow in order to maintain their wheelbarrow-of-dicks-a-day habit. So, who gets to pay for this? You and I, the consumers. Consumers, however, is a misnomer since, as previously mentioned, <em>Chase</em> is consuming all the dicks.
Well, one day when Chase was feeling particularly dick-succulent (this hyphenate doesn't even makes sense, but I'm rolling with it), they charged me this $12 fee (the "we're taking your money because you don't have money" fee), and in doing so, overdrafted my account.
With their own fee.
Which resulted in an overdraft fee, and a debiting of my credit card $50.
Back me up, Louis CK...
With me so far? That's... Chase hits me with a fee, which overdrafts my account, which brings on a second fee, Chase sucks a rocket ship payload of dicks, adding a $50 charge on my credit card, at an interest rate of 35%.
Shouldn't they get denied, too, for trying to overspend my insufficient funds on their fees?
A fee caused by their own fee was too Orwellian for me. I was done. I went to Chase that day and closed my accounts. The banker reluctantly did so, but not before getting in a buckshot of questions and sneaking the branch manager into the cubicle to make me reconsider.
Chase was like a clingy girlfriend who didn't want to let go. And like my last girlfriend, I owed Chase money and I'm pretty sure I wasn't the only one Chase was screwing.
Once it was all done, I sprinted out of there in disgust. Like Rick Santorum out of the Vagina Monologues. And I went immediately to a local credit union.
Folks, it was heavenly. I was so unused to the kindness and no strings attached policies that when the credit union associate handed me a simple form, I recoiled as if about to be struck. I was one of those abused animals from the ASPCA commercials, and the credit union was Sarah McLachlan. Except no one was bummed out.
PART III: SERIOUSLY, CHASE IS A HUGE, SWELLING DICK
But Chase had not yet released me from its greasy tendril-like pubes.
I had my credit card balance moved over to the credit union at about half the rate. They sent the check in the amount of the most recent balance to Chase--to one of their many blowjob divisions, I assume--with a notice to close the account. Done, right?
Funny story.
Chase decided it would temporarily halt its dick-sucking operation to get one more monthly service charge in there, even though it wasn't the scheduled time. And why not, Chase, it's always time for dicks, right!
Interest is compounded daily, I was told later, making it more difficult and more irritating for you to transfer your balance to another bank. Once your new bank's check has arrived by mail (the standard way to do it), the interest will have accrued, making your check inaccurate and insufficient to fully close your account.
Two months later, under the mistaken impression that I was free and clear from Just Penis Morgan Chase, I received a letter from Chase saying that I had a balance on my credit card of about $50. A service charge plus two months of late fees.
Months after beginning this exodus, I went in and paid the final FINAL balance, hoping this was truly final, like a sex-ending asteroid and not "final" like every Final Destination sequel.
I exited that Chase bank for the last time. Of course, not before having to speak to four people about how I can someday rejoin their penis party.
Now, I am in no way trying to demean anyone who enjoys penises. Heck, I enjoy my own very much. However, if you enjoy dicks and you are Chase bank, please help yourself to a Cold War-era ICBM-sized dick.
And then also to mine, which may or may not be noticeably smaller.
*If you're upset by penis humor, then you probably shouldn't have read this. Guess I should have mentioned this earlier. Oh well, sucks to be you. Like a penis.
Saturday, March 10, 2012
On The Virg
In the wake of sticking it to (and inside) women with their anti-abortion legislation, Virginia has decided to make changes elsewhere to reflect the state's new philosophy.
For example, when you travel to Virginia, you're more likely to see this on your way in...
Now they're trying to change the state motto. Previously, "Sic Semper Tyrannis," Virginia is choosing from one of the following 10 possible mottos...
For example, when you travel to Virginia, you're more likely to see this on your way in...
Now they're trying to change the state motto. Previously, "Sic Semper Tyrannis," Virginia is choosing from one of the following 10 possible mottos...
- Virginia: The Transvaginal Probe Of America!
- Virginia: Spread 'Em!
- Virginia: Now Violating For Two!
- Virginia: En Garde, Unborn Child!
- Virginia: How'd That Feel? Okay, Now For The Probe!
- Virginia: That Was Quick? What's Are You Implying?
- Virginia: Would You Be More Comfortable If Your Brother Did It?
- Virginia: We Didn't Flee England, We Pulled Out!
- Virginia: Don't Make Us Pass A Law To Get Your Phone Number, Too!
- Virginia: And We Didn't Even Have To Buy You Dinner!
Thursday, March 8, 2012
Should This Virginia Vagina Law Really Surprise America?
Virginia governor Bob "the Shocker" McDonnell signed into law this week the very controversial ultrasound legislation making it mandatory for a pregnant woman seeking an abortion to first undergo an unnecessary ultrasound.
The original bill required these women to undergo the very invasive and very unsexy sounding transvaginal ultrasound -- which sounds like an epic quest men travel to get laid. That part of the legislation was dropped after a nationwide outcry questioned its necessity.
But should we be surprised by this? I mean, look at their admission into statehood.
You've got Delaware, Pennsylvania, New Jersey, Connecticut, Massachusetts, Maryland and New Hampshire to the north, then Georgia and South Carolina to the south. And where does Virginia come? Virginia, number 10, lubes up and inserts itself right in the middle. Probably at the discomfort of the other states.
Just consider the recent news... now look at Virginia's shape in relation to the US...
The original bill required these women to undergo the very invasive and very unsexy sounding transvaginal ultrasound -- which sounds like an epic quest men travel to get laid. That part of the legislation was dropped after a nationwide outcry questioned its necessity.
But should we be surprised by this? I mean, look at their admission into statehood.
You've got Delaware, Pennsylvania, New Jersey, Connecticut, Massachusetts, Maryland and New Hampshire to the north, then Georgia and South Carolina to the south. And where does Virginia come? Virginia, number 10, lubes up and inserts itself right in the middle. Probably at the discomfort of the other states.
Just consider the recent news... now look at Virginia's shape in relation to the US...
Monday, March 5, 2012
The Comical Screwing In Of A Light Bulb
Here are some light bulb jokes regarding the four GOP presidential candidates. Just 'cause. Ironic because the light bulb is often synonymous with good ideas. Enjoy.
Mitt "Mittens" Romney
How many Mitt Romneys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Newt "Moon Unit" Gingrich
How many Newt Gingrichs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Rick "Killjoy" Santorum
How many Rick Santorums does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Ron "My Nurse Is Stealing From Me!" Paul
How many Ron Pauls does it take to screw in a light bulb?
Mitt "Mittens" Romney
How many Mitt Romneys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
- Three. One to hold it, one to screw it, and—oh fuck it, let's just buy a new house.
- Not sure, but he does know a lot of light bulb factory owners.
- CDRomney does not compute.
- Two. ... What? I don't recall ever saying "two."
- The more the merrier, because when the job's done he'll get to fire everyone.
Newt "Moon Unit" Gingrich
How many Newt Gingrichs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
- Just one, but do you mind if he changes other light bulbs while he's doing this one?
- He doesn't know how many, or how to change it, but he does know this current light bulb has been an absolute failure.
- One, but he'll resign after a light bulb ethics investigation.
Rick "Killjoy" Santorum
How many Rick Santorums does it take to screw in a light bulb?
- Depends, do we count each sperm, too?
- Doesn't matter, he'll find a way to take the fun out of it.
- He can't. The very idea of insertion makes him want to puke.
- Three. One to hold, one to screw, and one to berate the second for screwing that socket out of wedlock.
Ron "My Nurse Is Stealing From Me!" Paul
How many Ron Pauls does it take to screw in a light bulb?
- Who?
- I'm sorry, the Department of Light Bulb has been eliminated.
- Three. One to screw it in, one to write a racist newsletter about it, and one to deny that newsletter exists.
- None. The free market will take care of it.
Friday, March 2, 2012
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