My Musical Alter Ego: Android McDownload

This is Android McDownload, my musical alter ego.  He'll soon have his own site.  Stay tuned for that.  Until then, enjoy this.

Android McDownload

Thrift Store Book Club: "The Tender Trap"

Today's thrift store book club excerpt -- excerpts from books I find in thrift stores -- is the book "The Tender Trap" by Jane Silverwood, a Harlequin Superromance.

"Men like him were nearly extinct--but worth preserving."

Back Cover:

Zookeeper Faye Johnson loved her job at Wilderness Worlds--until an overaffectionate male gorilla decided to hold her captive!  Luckily animal behaviorist David O'Neill came to her rescue, snaring her heart in the process.


Faye was intrigued by David's lean good looks, and he made no secret of his desire for her.  But he wasn't about to make commitments to her--especially with all the strange goings-on at the zoo.  Could Faye be involved in something illegal?


David wanted answers.  But it seemed Faye had a few questions of her own...

Excerpt 1:

"Faye felt as if her skin had suddenly taken on a thrilling new life of its own.  She knew that her stiffened nipples must be clearly visible beneath her cotton blouse.  It was getting cool in the ape house.  Might she claim that for her excuse."

Excerpt 2:

When he lay down beside her again, he began once more to murmur in her ear.  As his hands roamed over her feverish flesh with ever-increasing intimacy, he told her more about what he knew of tigers.

"All day, burdened with his desire, the male paces," he whispered.  "But when his love overwhelms him, he approaches the lady with a purring moan."

"What does she do?"

"She shows her teeth and holds him at bay."

Faye stroked David's muscled flank and nipped at his ear.  "She's cruel."

She is indeed, Faye.  She is indeed.

Comic Strip: "Modern Retail"

For past comics, go to the cartoons page.  Hopefully, it will be updated weekly.  For now, enjoy this.

Napoleon Bonaparte Has Been Getting Car Insurance Rate Quotes Using My Email Address But He's Not Even Doing It Right

Oh, Napoleon Bonaparte!  Or should I say, "Napoleon Benapart!"  Wink.  You'll never get insured if you're making the simple mistake of misspelling your own name!  And declaring yourself Emperor of someone else's email address!

Come now, Napoleon!

A Quick Word About Thrift Stores

I love thrift stores.  Mostly for books or records.  I take a "it's new to me" approach.  I like finding interesting things that other people didn't want.  I'm not a "picker" or under the impression that I'll stumble upon a lost version of the US Constitution somewhere.  For instance, one where every few years, the worst members of Congress must have their head removed from their rectum.  Or whoever's rectum they're occupying.

There's a certain feel to these dens of discount, these wonders of once-owned, these used utopias, these have-not havens.  There are certain inalienable characteristics that thrift store regulars recognize instantly.  Here we go...

• Everyone's walking with a limp.
• Someone, somewhere, is coughing.  No, like, "Are they okay?" coughing.
• One of the aisles smells like urine.  And the items in the aisle are completely irrelevant.  Sometimes it's the books and puzzles and snowcone maker aisle, and sometimes it's the plates and bowls and broken-electronic-dartboard-with-candy-bar-gunk-in-it aisle.  Doesn't matter what.  Smells like pee.
• In the corner, a guy is staring at a car stereo with a tape deck.  He's debating.  Yeah, it's in really good condition considering how old it is.  Looks vintage.  On the other hand... dude, it's a fucking tape deck. 
• Something is spilled on the floor.  It's either tomato soup or blood.  Neither of which should be in a thrift store.  But you're not surprised.
• Ooh, expired Pringles!
• Look, some jerk left a Starbucks coffee cup just sitting on a shelf.  Oh wait, that was yours. 
• "This is a nice giant metal desk that obviously belonged to a grade school teacher and will require a U-Haul to transport.  There must be somewhere I can fit this."
• There's a year-round Christmas/Holiday section of records.  The same ones from last year.  If people are so up in arms about people not saying "Merry Christmas," start buying those fucking Christmas records.  Maybe people think you don't want to hear "Merry Christmas."  That's certainly what the record section tells me.
• Hovering around the employees who are pretending to listen is a crazy guy who is always in the store.  He doesn't buy anything.  Ever.  You've never seen him arrive, or leave.  He just... is.
• Oh wow, what a great tee shirt... if only the previous owner didn't have a neck the size of a waist.
• Okay, the maximum time you can be in a thrift store before feeling like you've swallowed a dirt cake with a dust bunny frosting has passed.  Oh well, that's fine, I need some time to think about whether or not to purchase that ketchup stained strobe light.

How can you not love a good thrift store?!  Time to go blow your nose and see how dingy the store really was.

Comic Strip: "Inside Me"

Here's a new comic strip I did.  Click on it and it should get bigger.  Don't say, "Ew..." to that.  You knew what this was!  Now get your money and get outta here!

First read this though...

Olivia Munn Would Rather Go Naked Than Wear Fur, And I Say, Why Stop At Fur?

HuffPost: Olivia Munn Would Rather Go Naked Than Wear Fur

But why stop at fur?  Think of all the barbaric textiles.  Cotton plants savagely RIPPED from the ground to produce your tee shirts and your bras and your other unmentionables which shall not be ably mentioned here.  What about the wool CHOPPED and TORN from sheep to produce your itchy sweaters?  Or the denim VIOLENTLY spun to produce your tight fitting jeans.  The ones that seem to hug your bottom, in much the same way I would, given the chance.  They really STRANGLE your bottom side. 

Is that what you want?  Things RIPPED and CHOPPED and TORN and VIOLENTLY STRANGLED!?

Take a stand, Olivia Munn.

Mitt Romney Looks Like The Guy At The End Of Every Twilight Zone Episode

I saw this photo today.  Mitt Romney looks so frantic, so panicked, so irritated.  Like "last man on earth, I just want to read, and I have all the books I need, but oops my glasses for reading them just broke" irritated.  Basically he has the face of one of the many characteristic Twilight Zone endings.

See?

"NO... NO... NO!!! ... IT’S NOT FAIR!  IT’S NOT FAIR!
THERE WAS TIME!  THERE WAS FINALLY TIME! 

 

WHERE IS EVERYONE?!  HELLO!  PLEASE, SOMEBODY!
ANYBODY!  I’M SO ALONE!   I JUST WANT TO TALK TO
SOMEONE, ANYONE!  FOR GOD'S SAKE, SOMEBODY TALK!

NO, NO, DON’T LEAVE ME!  I’VE CHANGED MY MIND!
I WANT TO GO WITH YOU!  DON’T LEAVE ME!
I DON’T WANT TO BE ALONE!"

The Worst Video I Have Ever Seen, The Worst Song I Have Ever Heard

And...

...you just contracted hepatitis.

Newt-Newt Hybrid?

I saw this picture of Newt Gingrich the other day it reminded me of the creatures from the film Galaxy Quest.  Here they are all posing for a picture together...

Newt could at least be there father.  Like DNA was taken from him and used to create human-something hybrids.  Wait, perhaps a newt-

-Newt hybrid?  Interesting...

Thrift Store Book Excerpts

Today's thrift store book excerpt (taken from a book I found in a thrift store) is from the book Master Of The Chase by Susan Macias. 

Price: $0.69.  Honestly. 
Genre: Fiction.  Obviously.

Perspiration covered her body.  Her nipples throbbed in time with each touch of his tongue.  Heat built until the flames consumed her.  At last she approached the edge with such startling speed that she feared for her life if he didn't let her fall.  The need to complete what had been started dominated every fiber of her being.  He moved faster and faster.  She rotated her hips in time with him.  And at the last, when she was terrified he would hold her back again, she clutched him.

"Jack," she whispered.  "Now."

He led her to the edge and pushed.  She hung suspended for a brief moment that felt like an eternity.  The pleasure was so intense that relief felt fatal--and inevitable.  She had come before, but not like this.  Not with an explosion that ripped her apart.  Not with a scream that filled the room and made her willing to sell her soul, or her heart.

Five Jokes: Mitt, Mouse & Mask

A North Carolina man was arrested this week after trying to purchase $476 worth of goods from a Wal-Mart with a one million dollar bill.  It's just good to see Mitt Romney shopping with ordinary people.

Wisconsin's DOJ says they have been swamped with applications for the state's new conceal and carry weapon license.  Many proponents of the law say it will decrease crime rates because potential criminals will be unsure as to who may or who may not be armed.  Yes, because as common sense tells us, more guns on the streets... will mean less guns on the streets.

63 year old Aerosmith frontman Steven Tyler, a two-time divorcee, is engaged again.  The convenience is mutual, says the couple.  She can pick and choose from his wardrobe, and he can pick and choose from her organs and blood type.

In their defense against an Illinois man who claims he found a dead mouse in his can of Mountain Dew, Pepsi says that a mouse would have in fact dissolved in the time frame given by the plaintiff.  And suddenly, in the kitchen/living room/dens of trailer parks across America, the stigma of a Mountain Dew and mouse supper fades just slightly.

Reality show The Bachelor is set to air for its 16th season on ABC.  The long life of the show has lead many critics to wonder why they continue to use Rocky Dennis from Mask.

High five.