Mitt "Mittens" Romney
How many Mitt Romneys does it take to screw in a light bulb?
- Three. One to hold it, one to screw it, and—oh fuck it, let's just buy a new house.
- Not sure, but he does know a lot of light bulb factory owners.
- CDRomney does not compute.
- Two. ... What? I don't recall ever saying "two."
- The more the merrier, because when the job's done he'll get to fire everyone.
Newt "Moon Unit" Gingrich
How many Newt Gingrichs does it take to screw in a light bulb?
- Just one, but do you mind if he changes other light bulbs while he's doing this one?
- He doesn't know how many, or how to change it, but he does know this current light bulb has been an absolute failure.
- One, but he'll resign after a light bulb ethics investigation.
Rick "Killjoy" Santorum
How many Rick Santorums does it take to screw in a light bulb?
- Depends, do we count each sperm, too?
- Doesn't matter, he'll find a way to take the fun out of it.
- He can't. The very idea of insertion makes him want to puke.
- Three. One to hold, one to screw, and one to berate the second for screwing that socket out of wedlock.
Ron "My Nurse Is Stealing From Me!" Paul
How many Ron Pauls does it take to screw in a light bulb?
- I'm sorry, the Department of Light Bulb has been eliminated.
- Three. One to screw it in, one to write a racist newsletter about it, and one to deny that newsletter exists.
- None. The free market will take care of it.