Victoria's Secret Fashion Show

Just finished watching the Victoria's Secret fashion show.

Let me just say, these models perpetuate unrealistic body images by always wearing wings and peacock feathers and other various types of raggedy plumage. Is that like a "thing" now, wanting to have sex with a homeless, bird lady?

SEXY BIRD LADY

"Show me your CAWk!"

Sorry, couldn't resist.

Black Friday, Just As Jesus Would Have Wanted It

Nothing reminds of the true meaning of Christmas like shoppers swarming the consumer-scape in a violent, yule tide of good ol' fashioned money vomiting.

Black Friday Sales Gains Strongest Since 2011

You can almost taste the Jesus!

Violence -Marred Black Friday Prompts Concerns

Pepper spray your fellow shoppers, just like Jesus did with some water-turned-pepper-spray!

Black Friday deals Remain After Early Rush 

Go, Jesus!

Five Jokes: Case Of The Mondays

A South Carolina woman used two hollow bibles to smuggle weapons and drugs into a prison.  After being jailed, the woman received a visit from her sister who had a bible for her--HEY WAIT A MINUTE!

Today Mitt Romney picked up an endorsment from US Senator Kelly Ayote of New Hampshire as that state's GOP primary election closes in.  Romney thanked Ayote then returned to his anti-conflict cave to continue writing in his courage journal.

Congressional approval ratings have reportedly sunk to 13%.  This puts Congress still slightly more liked than "raping ghosts" but now less liked than "maniacally laughing ebola."

While making an appearance Friday at the Harvard Kennedy School of Government, Newt Gingrich said that child labor laws are "truly stupid."  This seems like a bad move for a GOP presidential candidate, but to be fair, Gingrich's child slaves weren't quite pouring through eHarmony profiles in search of his next wife fast enough.

A Neo-Nazi group in Delaware has adopted a 2-mile stretch of road outside the town of Lewes.  Town officials say they haven't yet had a problem with the White supremacist group but that the real test comes when city workers begin laying down blacktop.

High five.

Still Single, Ladies!

My friend sent me a perfectly innocent email suggesting we buy this machine that serves up ping pong balls.  Just so we can train for a ping pong related bachelor party coming up.  It costs around $200.

Continue reading, then return to this photo and be grossed out.

I suggested that we instead take that $200 to a strip club and pay a stripper to do it.  Use your imagination.  And that was the first thing that popped into my head.  Why?  Good question.  An important question.

I have problems.

Poor Billo

 

Oh, Bill O'Reilly.  You went from stopping the spin on a nationally broadcasted cable show to stopping the spin at a low end thrift store hat rack.  

Next, perhaps you'll stop the spin at a Ugandan village well after being reconfigured into some kind of water satchel. 

Probably also doubling as a douche bag.

Haiku: On Blog Inactivity

Yes, this is my blog

Writing it is what I do

Except for lately.

Back From the Quest for GOP Presidential Candidate Fist Bumps

I recently made the arduous trek to a distant land.  It was vast and uninhabited.  It had soft, green hills.  It had calm, clear waters.  And over its green hills and beyond its clear waters, I found a cave.  The cave was dark and dank.  And in that cave I sat in silence.

Complete silence.

The type of silence where even your mind goes quiet.  And after an unknowable passage of time, I awoke from this waking sleep.  And I stood up.  And I walked out of the cave.  And I squinted at the bright, blinding landscape.

And I thought, "Yes. Yes. The Rick Santorum fist bump must question his sexuality."

Please, enjoy all these GOP candidate fist bumps I made for you.  Yes, you.  Click them to make them go.

Click to make me go.

Click to make me go.

Click to make me go.

Click to make me go.

Click to make me go.

Click to make me go.

Click to make me go.

Click to make me go.

Here Comes the Story of the Herman Cain

How is Herman Cain like a Hurricane? Both involve kneeling women talking to a higher power about whether or not something should be blown.

Huffpost Piece: No Marriage License, Inc.

Are you a girl who wants to get married, but isn't really interested in any of that commitment bullshit?  This is your outlet.  I give you...

No Marriage License, Inc.

I am Twitter!

@iamandymcdonald

"Eet's Nawt Uh Tumah!" or "Ghost in the Bells"

http://www.huffingtonpost.ca/2011/11/02/face-in-tumour-testicular_n_1071037.html

Canadian scientists found what appears to be a face in the x-ray of a man's testicles. 

Haunted balls.

 
This man's balls are haunted.  Haunted balls.  There are many reasons why a woman would not want to approach a man's balls, and now -- THANKS A LOT, CANADIAN SCIENCE -- they have one more.

MAN:  "Honey, let's take the next step."
WOMAN:  "I don't know..."
MAN:  "What's the problem?"
WOMAN:  "Well, what if your balls are haunted?"
MAN:  "I ain't afraid of no ghosts!"

[9 months later]

DOCTOR:  "Mr. and Mrs. Smith, it's a beautiful baby Casper."

[baby ghost moan]

Five Jokes: Dropped, Divorced & Defeated

After only 72 days, Kim Kardashian has filed for divorce from barely-husband, basketball player Kris Humphries.  For those of you who keep time based on a constant loop of Kim's sex tape, it happened just into your 67,392nd viewing.

Bank of America has decided to drop its much criticized debit card fee after weeks of negative press.  The bank says however that it will continue finding new ways to fund the construction of an enormous raping device.

U.S. Senator and Tea Party member Rand Paul was dealt a blow today when his amendment to eliminate federal funding for bike lanes was defeated 60 to 38.  Further proof that people want to keep the Tea Party the crazy, jibberish-speaking, bicycle-riding hobo of America that they are.

A UFO was spotted during a recent telecast of the New Orleans Saints-Indianapolis Colts football game.  The sighting suggests the existence of yet another lifeform in the universe that could give a shit about the NBA.

In her eulogy of former Apple CEO Steve Jobs, sister Mona Simpson shared her brothers last words.  "Oh wow, oh wow, oh wow," Jobs said.  Though, says Simpson, it could have been something else since "I was checking my Facebook page."

High five.