News Recap: Al Qaeda is Not Very Good at What They Do & Glenn Beck Will Soon Be Hiding Under Your Kid's Bed

Hooters is suing a rival restaurant claiming they stole "trade secrets."  Also included in the lawsuit?  Every big breasted bartender you've ever met and thought was hitting on you.

High ranking al Qaeda member Anwar al-Awlaki was killed in Yemen on Friday in what President Obama calla a "major blow to al Qaeda's most active operational affiliate."  The way things are going for al Qaeda leaders, they should soon have the numbers for decent afterlife poker game.

A new study by the Southern Poverty Law Center shows that three-quarters of U.S. state fail at teaching the civil rights movement.  In fact, only 9% of 4th graders could identify Abraham Lincoln, and almost none knew that he was an accomplished vampire hunter.

Everyone's favorite squirrel food, Glenn Beck, has announced that he's launching a children's TV show called Liberty Treehouse -- I will spare you more nut references.  Beck says the show will try to be lighthearted and entertaining, so expect a lot of stuffed animal anti-Semitism.

Sony has announced to movie theaters that it will no longer subsidize the price of 3D glasses for their films, likely leaving moviegoers to pay even more to see a 3D movie.  Customers will now be instructed to wear their 3D glasses backwards so it will seem more real as they take it from behind.

Like the Little Kids in Her Basement, Nancy Grace's Boobs Are Trying to Get Free

Nancy Grace is on this season's Dancing With The Stars and during the last episode she had a "wardrobe malfunction."  Wardrobe malfunction always translates to "uh oh, someone's boobies are out."

Grace made new earlier in the season when she made a special request to the show's producers, saying she wouldn't be comfortable out on the dance floor unless there were little kids buried underneath.

Warning, looking at this photo may cause your sexual appetite to go missing.  Print out the flyers now.

AMBER ALERT: YOUR BONER HAS GONE MISSING!

I'll understand if you can never visit this blog again.  Not because you are disgusted by it, but because you physically can't.  Your face is melted off and you no longer have the ability to read.

Thanks a lot, Nancy Grace's nipple.

Gays: Glee-viving the Economy Without Asking or Telling

It's called the Glee effect.  And though I don't watch the show, it's interesting to note that Glee's popularity has led to an increase in music sales, an increase in musical involvement at the high school and college level -- basically an increase in commerce on every level.

You may not have agreed with the repeal of Don't Ask Don't Tell, but face it, gays are helping to get this economy off its knees, out of the rest stop and back on the road again.

*No, I'm not an avid Jazz Times reader.  However, I am an avid Jazz hands user.

Huffpost Piece: Google Turns 13: I Thought I Noticed More And More Webpages Sticking Together

Abide.

If you noticed lately that Google has been acting like a total bitch, and hogging the bathroom for like two hours every morning, and no longer participating in weekly game night, now you know why.

Here's Google's latest homepage.  Looks like someone got a training bra!

Huffpost Piece: Other Things Tea Party Crowds Break Into Applause For

Check it out.

Where else today are you going to see the phrases Dark Ages-era wooden cart, Sluts-A-Lot Bear and Empire Strikes Back all in the same article?

Exactly.

New Furniture Department

For some reason, while looking around a department store yesterday, I dove into deep thought about indoor/outdoor furniture options.  Seems like for every indoor furniture piece, there is also an outdoor option.

It suddenly hit me that there was no Outdoor Baby section.  So if any of the major furniture-making chains want to jump on board, I whipped up a little logo which I believe really sells my vision.

For the baby who loves the outdoors.  For the baby who is looking for a little independence.  For the baby who, having just emerged from one, wants to avoid being a complete pussy.

What do you think?

Serial Killer Sayings

Society has its nuggets of wisdom passed down from generation to generation.  But what about the often overlooked wisdom of the serial killer. These psychotic, hallucinating men and women have done things most of us only dream about doing to people we despise after consulting with our dog.  Let's learn from them, at a safe distance.

• Those boobs are the greatest thing since sliced vagina.
• A penny saved is a penny earned towards those pliers I really need.
• A stitch in time saves nine stitches in that hobo's face.
• A fool and his money are easily parted, but much tougher is his head from his spine.
• Don't look a gift horse in the mouth.  He's busy gnawing your severed pelvis.
• Don't count your chickens before they're hatch within your stomach.
• Fool me once, shame on you.  Fool me twice, shame on me.  Fool me thrice, I'm wearing your face.
• Actions speak louder than words, and it's difficult to form words underneath the wheels of my nondescript van.
• People who live in glass house shouldn't throw stones---oh, I'm sorry, that's an eyeball.
• An ear in my hand is worth two ditched in a bush.
• An apple a day keeps the doctor away.  Also, my doctor bludgeoning.
• You are what you eat.  Hi, I'm a bus commuter's fatty knee cap.

Boobs Are Perilous, Period

Boobs, fraught with peril.

You can't argue with math.  Especially fake math with words.  Words that look like boobs.

A Girl Borrows My Coolness To Lift Herself Up From The Murky Depths Of Uncool

"Your hat's sweaty," says the girl who borrowed my hat so she'd look cooler than she really was while taking a picture with her girlfriends.

Yeah, well at least I didn't have to borrow cool from someone. Now I have to wash this hat. Not because of the sweat, but rather the stain of "slightly-askew-hat-wearing-fake-college-girl."

Because that shit's nasty and really hard to take out.

2 In 10 Americans Don't Know How Much "A Million" Is

A new poll done by the AP and CNBC shows that 2 in 10 Americans believe they will be millionaires by the end of the current decade.  Only 1 in 20 is currently a millionaire in this recession economy.

So to those who are seemingly more optimistic than Hitler at a Tea Party rally... those more optimistic than a single guy at a convention for celibate, blind women... those more optimistic than a gay unicorn stumbling into a waffle cone factory...

I move that you are insane.  Get on in there!

Rummage Sale Requirement

It's not officially a rummage sale until you find a VHS copy of Speed.

The Tea Party Is To Government As...

A.  A drunk uncle is to your birthday party?
B.  A piece of hair is to your delicious lunch?
C.  A racist, cannibal Leprechaun is to a rainbow and pot of gold?
D.  All of the above.

Weatherman Found With Naked Dead Man

Weatherman Found With Naked Dead Man

• And either one could tell you how cold it was!
• 100% chance of awkward future conversations!

• 

  The meteorological tool known as
  the hemispherical cup anemometer says,
  "I've been used inappropriately!"

• That's an in depth study of Frontal Zones and their interaction with the Poles!
• Weathermen or women, sensitive instruments are being handled by a professional!

Alright, I think you've suffered enough.  All finished.  ...  That's what the Weatherman said!  Ba-zing!

Sorry, couldn't resist.  Okay, I'm leaving now.  Feel free to comment with your own punny weatherman jokes!

Random Tuesday Thoughts

On Job Hunting...
Am I still "climbing the ladder" if I'm being considered for and later rejected by better and better jobs?

On FreeCreditReport.com Commercials...
The song producers of FreeCreditReport.com  commericals have done it.  They have figured out a way to transform crack into sound.

On Having a Job Again...
It's exciting to have a real job after going so long without one, even if it's temp work.  But more exciting is the first time you get to leave early for the day.

On Being an Irish Rapper...
If I was an Irish rapper, I think my name would be Run DMc.

On Steve Ballmer, CEO of Microsoft...
I'll bet most of his day is spent destroying the World of Warcraft characters of other CEOs.  His WoW character name is Cleave Brawlmer.

People Sit Right Next To Me In Large, Empty Spaces, Part 2

Here's a graphic to better highlight how you should proceed when encountering me in a large empty space...

People Sit Right Next To Me In Large, Empty Spaces

This happens to me regularly.  I go to a coffee shop or a restaurant.  It's completely empty except for me.  Then another patron comes in.  And sits right fucking next to me.

And it's never a mute, off-duty librarian looking for a quiet place to practice meditation.  It's an always-on-duty professional human fog horn, and he/she's got all the instruments of distraction.  Not a sleek, glossy, quiet magazine, but rather a crinkly, crackling newspaper made of sleigh bells.

And they're not there to order soft, low-decibel muffins.  They want chips!  All they can get!  Piled high to the ceiling!  The more stale the better!  ARGSSHH!  ARGSSHH!  ARGSSHH!  

But wait, now their cellphone wants to get in on this cluster fuck of noises.  And their ringtone isn't a cloud humping sunshine, it's two chainsaws battling in a toppling dishes factory.

All that not withstanding, why sit right next to me?  Am I that irresistible?  Is the animal magnetism my Dad warned me of on my first day of kindergarten finally surfacing?  I wish I could control this power.

Everyone Voting? Outrageous!

Wisconsin Official Tells DMV Employees to "Refrain From Offering" Information on Free Voter IDs

Yes, let's keep as many people as unaware as possible. We wouldn't want everyone to participate in the voting process and maybe know what's going on with the state and country.

Increasing voter turnout???  That's insane, sir! You're insane for suggesting it! I've never been so sanely aware of your insanity!  I'm sane to an insane degree regarding your insanity!

Now Failing In Both Fantasy And Reality!

After years of playing fantasy baseball, I've decided to take a break.  In all honesty, my team did horribly this year.  And the year before that.  And the year before that.  Well, you get the idea.  But it has suddenly occurred to me:

I can't find success in either reality or fantasy now.

Where can I now turn to make my life happy?  If both reality and fantasy are off the table, is there even a table there anymore?  GAH!

Obama's Speech Tonight

SERIOUS ANALYSIS:  Good speech.  It's as good a proposal as you're going to get passed with the make-up of this political system.  Lots of bipartisan legislation.  He had some great words on teachers, and they were words that needed to be spoken by him particularly.

I like the fiery tone and it struck the right cord across the political spectrum.  So, now we just wait to see what Republicans will say in response when they completely reject every and all things offered and call Obama a do-nothing socialist.

SHALLOW ANALYSIS:  Ron Johnson, Senator from my state of Wisconsin, looks way too old.  He's younger than John McCain and yet McCain looked like a strapping, bullriding lumberjack compared to Johnson.  Ron Johnson looked like he was on hour five of his Matlock marathon which he started promptly after dinner at 4:30PM.  I think I even saw Werther's Originals in the pool of drool collecting in his lap.

Also, first lady Michelle Obama looked hot.

The Republican Debate & Names

Perry's name is a homophone for a word that means defend or evade, but he seems to love putting people to death.  Huntsman's name is well, a bit etymologically aggressive, and yet he seems the sanest and least blood thirsty of the bunch.

Perry - Please, don't hurt me.

HUNTS MAN - I crave man flesh!

Perry - Oh dear, this footware will simply not do at all.

HUNTS MAN - Your slit-open belly amuses me!

Perry - I could really use some exfoliating oatmeal soap right now.

HUNTS MAN - I bathe in your entrails!

They don't really exude the appropriate tone of the man they name.  Now, newcomer Killman N. Rapebody, that's a sensible, man-of-the-people I can get behind!

Wal-Mart Employee Robs Store To Pay For Sex Change Operation

Has this employee ever actually walked through his/her own store?  Even a cursory scan of the aisles shows that Wal-Mart has everything known to man/woman contained cheaply and disorderly within its shelves.

See, right next to the bird seed and trays featuring rapper Ice Cube.

(S)he could have very easily stolen the sex change products themselves rather than adding the extra step of stealing the money first.  Of course, with a Wal-Mart sex change product, you're taking your sex into your own hands.*


*Like me all through high school.

Wow, They Even Had 3D Hands Back In 1972

This is really cool video, made in 1972 by the future founder of Pixar.  The footage was printed onto 8mm film.  This is the same year that Atari released Pong.

40 Year Old 3D Computer Graphics (Pixar, 1972) from Robby Ingebretsen on Vimeo.

I'll bet this was the first ever digital porn.  A late night at the University super computer lab...  "Damn, I'd do dirty things with that hand!"

People I Want Fired Into Space

This is the first entry in what may become a regular series, "People I Want Fired Into Space."  We start with a brother sister duo.

Honey, I Shrunk the Kids' Grip On Reality

Meet Steven Miner, age little-boy-in-big-boy-pants*
Meet Kathryn Miner, age no-longer-feasting-on-paste** 

The Miner siblings sued their mother, Kimberly Garrity, for "bad mothering."  The Miner's attorney is also their father (now divorced from Garrity), whom they live with in a Barrington Hills, Illinois mansion.

Now, the Miner's suit against their mother contains the following "offenses"...

• didn't send her son care packages at college
• wouldn't buy her daughter a homecoming dress
• didn't send money in birthday cards

To clarify, there were birthday cards sent.  Birthday cards that contained love and hugs and XOs (which in fact doubles the card's hugs quota)...

His son's birthday card was an exhibit filed in the case. He said it was "inappropriate" and didn't include money. The card pictured tomatoes on a table with one tomato that had googly eyes. Inside the card read: "Son I got you this Birthday card because it's just like you . different from all the rest!" Garrity wrote: "Have a great day! Love & Hugs, Mom xoxoxo." - Chicago Tribune, 8-29-11

But no money???  What a horrid, horrid, demon-bitch of a mother.  And to think a judge threw out this case and denied the children the $50,000 they were asking for in damages.

Steven Miner.  Kathryn Miner.  I'm firing you into space.  And now this planet turns its back to you, you money-grubbing shit-fer-brains.  You have the perspective of a retarded pixel.  Good day to you.

(But...)

I SAID GOOD DAY!



*age 23
**age 20