Can We at Least Put Sexy, Love-Making Mirrors on the Debt Ceiling?

Yeah, that would be totally hot.  Imagine getting deep into some mass debate sessions, and being able to watch yourself do it.  It's hot, economic voyeurism.  We have to do something to spice up this congress.  Because right now this Boehner is completely flaccid.

I think some members of congress would adapt to it quite quickly.  For instance, House Majority Leader Eric Cantor, seen here looking like the unsure-of-himself-nerdy-guy-who-without-glasses-suddenly-becomes-sure-of-himself about to deliver a pizza and get laid in a porno...

"Looks like they forgot to put sausage on this
pizza.  Luckily, I always bring my own."
(Bow-chicka-wow-wow)

The Art of Filmmaking Died On My Computer Earlier This Morning -- It Was 120 Years Old

I give you, Battleship, the movie.

No, wait, here...

There, that's better.

Watch Battleship trailer

(Click me, I'm shitty)

Now this is what they call a "teaser trailer."  However, I move that the term "teaser trailer" be applied in situations when the finished product is something that people are even remotely fucking interested in.  Battleship, a film based on a Hasbro game with tiny plastic ships and mini red butt plugs, strikes me -- I'm sorry, hits me -- as not being close to that in any way.

So this is more of a torture trailer.  This is more of a warning, like a beware of pickpockets sign.  Warning: this movie is out there somewhere, and it wants your tasty, lettuce dollars.  But no matter how pretty it might look from the outside, with its vibrant colors and depictions of big breasted models, don't go inside.  Because you'll find only one thing.  And that's torture.

Possible lines of dialogue which make me die a little inside...

• Soldier: "You sunk my battleship, you son of a bitch!"
• Scientist/computer expert: "I've cracked the last line of alpha-numeric code!  B2, E6, C7, A4..."
• Soldier: "C4! (fellow soldier hands him C4 and he chucks it... explosion)  Heh, I'd call that a hit!"
• Girl undressing in front of guy: "Don't you know how to play this game?  No peeking."

The lead actor's name is literally Taylor Kitsch!  You can't make this shit up!

Explode, world.  Explode now.  Explode like Krypton. No need to send off any of our children on a spaceship.  Chances are we'd just bring the intellect that created Battleship, the movie, to some other poor unsuspecting planet.

I'm sorry, I never thought I would resort to this, but I can't just leave.  Not with that awful taste of movie-based-on-nautical-board-game in your mouth . This blog needs a quick redeeming B12 to the balls (in the form of Battleship actress Brooklyn Decker)...

Hit.

Female Bartender Who Knows Star Wars and Cool Fist Bumps... Also She Fights Crime

Ever so often a bartender teaches you something that blows your mind.  Putting the roofie in the glass before a girl drinks it?  Much more effective.  Don't wait until she's done, conspicuously chuck the pill in and yell, "I'm takin' you home!"

Breaking a beer bottle before you try to stab a man with it?  Much more effective.  Otherwise, it looks like you and him are trying to get it on with a beer bottle.  At which point you may have wanted a roofie for yourself.*

The bartender's name is Liberty Collins.  Yes, that's her actual name, and no, she is not a stripper, and no, she has no aspirations to be one, but yes, she is a superhero, and yes, she does wear patriotic stars on her crime fighting costume, and yes, the stars can come off to be used as deadly ninja throwing stars, and yes, replacing the deadly ninja throwing stars does get expensive, and no, bartending does not always cover the costs, but yes, she is open to doing any freelance crime fighting you may have around the house.

Anywhoooooooo, Liberty introduced me to the Tie Fighter fist bump.  As a Star Wars fan, I'm constantly on the lookout for new and exciting ways to increase the distance between myself and a lady's vagina.  This fist bump is like a portable vagi-bunker.  And to make sure the lock on the vagi-bunker is NORAD strength, I created an animation for the Tie Fighter fist bump.  Please, enjoy.

Yes, those were unreferenced quotes from Star Wars.  Wait, I mean, what?

...

Vagi-bunker activate!


*I do not condone roofies, broken bottle fighting, or unbroken bottle sex

After Winehouse's Death, People Need Something Steady to Lean On... Oh, How About Microsoft's Thirst for Money?

Microsoft made a questionable PR move after Amy Winehouse's death by tweeting, "remember Amy Winehouse by downloading the ground-breaking 'Back to Black' over at Zune."  Ouch.  But this isn't the first questionable tweet they've made in the aftermath of tragedy.


After the recent deaths in Oslo, Norway... "Remember the victims in Oslo who are no longer with us by getting the latest MSN Messenger which is still very much with us." 

After a man flew a plane into a Texas IRS office building... "Remember all victims of this Texas IRS office building tragedy by flying over to Microsoft and downloading the latest version of Office." 

After the death of former first lady Betty Ford... "Remember former first lady Betty Ford -- create a drinking game with our many fine Halo installments." 

After the catastrophic EF5 tornado in Joplin, Texas... "Remember the victims of Joplin and pray they'll be able to rebuild their homes and lives... why not start with new windows? Windows 7 is available for download."

After the 2011 earthquake and ensuing tsunami in Japan... "Remember the victims and the horrible devastation happening in Japan, may they continue to find survivors. And what better way to find anything than with Bing."


Might I suggest after Bill Gates dies that Microsoft tweet, "In honor of the sad passing of Microsoft founder Bill Gates, please keep the doors and windows of your house unlocked and open to allow any and all intruders to gain access with ease.  Credit and social security cards in the mailbox, please."

Job Interviews and Ninjas

I've been spending a lot of time looking for a job recently.  I found one on Craigslist for a security guard position.  The ad said, "Wanted: well-built guy with police or martial arts training." 

Well, I'm neither of those, but these are desperate times.  I responded to the ad saying, "I don't have police training, but I have studied under ninjas."

The person replied back, "Wow, great, bring them too, we have multiple openings and we'll need a demonstration."

I arrive for the interview and a woman greets me.  "Hi, you must be Andy!"

"Hello," I said, because that's how ninjas talk.

"Where are the ninjas?" she said.  "I don't see them."

"Yes," I said, "they're very good ninjas."

...

So, I'm still looking for a job.

"...He's Our Hero, Gonna Cut Pollution Down to Zero"

I've received some outstanding, yet disturbing news.  A film based on the early '90s cartoon Captain Planet may at some point happen.  This is wonderful for five reasons, which I will break down according to the five, natural Captain Planet, power ring elements.

EARTH

Do you feel the ground shaking?  This is one of those rare cinematic occasions when a film will either surprise us and not be the equivalent to a director taking a shit in the projector, or it will be so hilariously terrible that we'll forget who and where we are and maybe stumble upon a lovable group of subterranean cave dwellers.

FIRE

If even remotely loyal to the cartoon series, the film will feature a really hot Russian girl.  Win win.

WIND

Too many movies released now just plain blow.  They're based on books or comics or something Judd Apatow farted onto a napkin once.  So let's continue that trend with yet another potential flop that will at least bring a bit of nostalgia.

WATER

There's a good chance we're going to see a lot of wide water shots.  Potable water won't be around on this planet forever, so we may as well feature it on film as often as we can before it has to always be digitally added in post production.  As well as digitally added to our dehydrated corpses.

HEART 

(aka I HAVE A MONKEY!)

It will be fun to see the big screen version of the Heart-wielding character from the cartoon.  You know, the kid who didn't really have a power, but they gave him a pet monkey, and the pet monkey turned up to save his life more than his heart powers saved anyone else?  Yeah, that kid and his power to increase blood flow.


With these reasons combined, I'm Captain Excited.

Worst Things to Say While Hitting On a Girl

1.  People tell me we look alike!
2.  I'm just saying, they call it statutory for a reason.
3.  My friends told me I'd never fit a bed in the back seat of a '88 Mercury Topaz, but I guess I'm just an overachiever.
4.  My ex was pretty hot.  Actually, I think I still have her picture in my phone.  Oh yeah, it's my background, see?
5.  I've got my ex's name tattooed on my body, but hey, it's your name too, so all good, right?
6.  Oh, I'm not religious, I just like their wine a lot.
7.

 
8.  Hey, what's your name?  Oh funny, that was my cellmate's name.  Well, is my cellmate's name, I should say.
9.  If by "kids" you mean "kids I take care of" then nope, no kids.
10.  Patience, penis.  Patience.

I Try to Get to Third Base With Third Base and Third Base Painfully Rejects Me

Once a week I play softball.  America's past time for those who don't want time to be pitched at them quite so violently.  I'd been eying Third Base for much of this season.  Since the team I play with is currently undefeated, I haven't gotten to spend much time on Third Base -- we like home plate.  Like like.

But this week I wanted to get to know Third Base.  For my first at-bat, I knock a single into left.  From the opposite corner I give Third Base a little wink.  She knows what's coming.  I'm all dressed up in my uniform.  I've got the good cologne on.  Not the cheap stuff, but rather the expensive stuff bought for cheap and slightly torn open at a TJ Maxx.

Third Base was as good as reached.

My teammate Pete drives the ball into left center, and I'm chugging toward Third Base with wine and condoms.

...metaphorically speaking.

I'm waved around Second Base.  Getting to Second Base feels fine, but who are we kidding?  These bases knew what this was.  I want Third Base.  Halfway there, I'm already thinking of things I'll say when I reach Third Base.  "Do people come here often? You know what, I don't want to know.  I'm sorry, that's none of my business.  Ugh, I'm so stupid!"

No, no, no, just be yourself.

Am I moving too fast?  No time to adjust, it's time for me to go down.  I begin to slide in there, but it's too late.  Third Base doesn't seem as interested as I thought she would be.  She wants me out of there.

The whole encounter is pretty painful.  I try to plant my foot and stand my ground but that didn't work out so well.  She wants nothing of it.  All that flirting we did across the diamond?  What a floozy.  Maybe she's been stepped on too many times by too many players.

Still, I would have been gentle.  It didn't need it to come to this...

Okay, little swollen.  My heart will survive.

Alright, some bruising.  In the game of love, these things happen.

Holy cankle!  My perfect calf to ankle ratio!

Third Base -- what a bitch!  I'm not bitter or anything, but while making my move on Third, I did notice it was awfully sandy and dusty down there.

Just sayin'.

PS - Feel free to add these to your photo library, those of you with foot fetishes.  They are pretty spectacular.  And for those of you into feet and S&M... you're welcome.

Quick Thought on Porta Potties

While at a festival this weekend, I needed to use one of the porta potties set up for all those attending.  No it was not a porta potty convention.  As I waited in line, a thought came to me.  I wonder if plastic porta potties are recyclable.

I went inside and there on the wall was a recycling symbol...

So, they are recyclable.  And they're a number 2!

Allow Me to Respectfully Disagree With Your Brand Name

While in a thrift store, I walked past a Lonely Mountain-sized shelf displaying what can only be described as the largest concentration of adult diapers and liners outside of Florida.  And the brand name certainly does nothing to hide the Smaug-smelling secret lurking deep within your pantaloons.  Adventurers want nothing to do with that treasure.

Now I'll say, good day to you, Dignity... I SAID GOOD DAY, SIR!

See, Google is Encouraging Me to Search for Photos of Boobs

Image search options...

 

Come on, Google.  Or should I say... Booble.

Trees Attack Article on Huffington Post

Again, I'm risking the inside-out obliteration of our very existence by posting a link to a story I did on Huffington Post that may also be followed back here to the very same story below, thereby sending data in an infinite loop of doom.

So, yeah, check it out on Huffington Post, or check it out on this blog.  I don't usually say this, but I think it's worth the complete and total destruction of the universe.

Am I overexposing myself?  Oh, you'll know when I'm overexposing myself.  And yes, your mind is correct to think immediately of my tear-away pantaloons.

And That's When the Trees Attacked...

And That's When the Trees Attacked...

Weather has rapidly  become more dangerous across the globe, likely the result of planet-wide human-caused climate change, according to scientific consensus.  But the notion of Mother Earth rising up against her human inhabitants is not merely a global one, it strikes on the local level as well.

I've been without power for the last few days, and much of my hometown lies in shambles.  The trees struck, and they struck hard and fast.

We all spend summers gorging ourselves on the trees' sweet, delicious tree shade.  But on some distant branch in our minds swung the thought that one day the shade well might dry up, that one day the trees would demand payment.  We cannot glut so extensively on shadows and not expect it to some day blacken the very soul of humanity.

First, the trees took out our electrical grid.

You don't realize how much of your daily life depends on electricity until you're deprived of it.  For me, I would not be able to finish watching my twentieth straight episode of Adventure Time, a new favorite show of mine.  These trees knew how to hurt me.  You arborian bastards.

Next, they cut off our routes, no doubt a macabre joke in the tree world...

With no electricity, and no way to get out by vehicle, our last line of defense would be the primitive yard fence.  But the trees were smart, and they wasted no time crippling the barrier of each homestead.

They quite literally lowered our defenses.  There would be no stopping the crab grass and dandelions from suffocating the meticulously groomed lawns.  It was a slap in the face from Mother Nature, who we so earnestly tried to appease with our lawnmowers and rakes and edgers.  Our gifts of fertilizers and Miracle Grow went seemingly rejected.

With that they started on the houses, chipping away with their bark husks, their life-giving limbs taking away, their tree skin leaving humans naked and defeated...

There remained one way out though, and the time to flee had bloomed.  If we wanted to escape this leafy chloroformed hell, we would have to go out on foot, and warn others of this impending arboreous uprising.  And that's when we saw this...

My god.  Needless to say, this image chilled our bodies like cold water sweeping through the xylem of a massive ancient oak.  Not even footpaths were safe.  These trees would stop at nothing.  It seems their domination of this planet is inevitable...

On a side note, I for one hope they appreciate all the writing I've done electronically, sparing many of their kind from a papery doom.  Just sayin'...