Felationship

If you're in a relationship with a girl who never goes past third base, are you in a felationship?  I believe I just created a word.  Felationship.  I want a quarter every time someone says it.  If they can say it while doing it, I'll return their quarter.

Baltimore Orioles Outfielder Luke Scott is Under the Impression He Isn't a Dumb Racist

Baseball player Luke Scott -- super gun toter and admitted Birther -- likes to look out for the little guy, especially if he's dark skinned.

In an interview with ESPN, Luke Scott revealed that he throws banana chips at Dominican teammate Felix Pie (pronounced Pea-ay) when he believes Pie is acting like "an animal" or "a savage."

“Felix is my friend,” he says. “I give him a hard time. The reason why I give him a hard time is because there are certain people you deal with and you go up and talk to them, and it doesn’t work. They don’t understand. … I tell him about some of the ways he’s acted: ‘Look, you’re acting like an animal, you’re acting like a savage.’”

He also explained why he throws banana chips into the helmet of his Dominican teammate.

“Here are my banana chips to remind him that whenever he acts like an animal, ‘Hey, that’s what other people are thinking. They’re just not telling you, but that’s what they’re thinking about. And I’m telling you so that you’re aware of that so you can make a cognitive decision to not behave like that.’”

Besides owning a large array of arms for when the government inevitably comes to take his rights away, Scott is a devout Christian, who also believes in the Tea Party, and that President Obama wasn't born in this country, putting him in ranks with the very reasonable Birther Movement.  Oh, did I say reasonable, I meant to say Birthers are fucking morons. 

Many of Scott's teammates defend him, including black players.  And of course, that makes it okay.  Oh wait, no it doesn't.  Teammate Mark Reynolds (white guy) says...

"He doesn't hide it ... He doesn't talk behind people's backs about anything.  A lot of people have those opinions and don't say anything.  Did I think he needed to go to the winter meetings and say all those things?  Probably not.  But he'll give you his opinion.  He's a patriot.  He loves America.  He's one-of-a-kind." 

Where the hell are we?  "Yeah, he's racist, but at least he's honest and up front about it."  No!  No "at least."  There's no least.  This guy is most most MOST racist.  "He's a good guy."  No!  He's not a good guy.  He's a dumb racist who should be fired into the sun.  So that as his very long journey progresses and his skin begins baking and darkening, he will become the very thing he hates just before he dies.

What is the argument here?  He is a racist.  This is refreshing because he speaks his mind?  He's a Birther, proving he's a moron.  He's not a smart, intelligent thinker, throwing thought-provoking comments back at an "overly politically correct media."  He's a racist who feels his whiteness makes him more special than people who aren't white.  It's garbage elitism and exceptionalism based on nothing more than his tiny-brain-powered breathing and eating hole saying the first neanderthal urge that pops into his head, that he will inevitably think is God talking to him.

Being racist should never be considered "courageous."   

"Yeah, he says and does dumb and stupid things, but gosh he totally believes everything he's saying so I respect him for his conviction."  What!?  When did self-assuredness become preferable to factual, logic-based knowledge?

Sorry, Luke Scott, you're not deep, you're just a dumb racist who thinks America is a Whites only business that allows minorities to live here out of the kindness of our American hearts.

So Jesus Died Again This Year

So it's Easter time again.  And for the 2000ish year in a row, Jesus has died and come back to life.  Do you think Jesus is up in Heaven this time of year getting really psyched to be reminded of what was probably the most painful day he ever had?

What if people you knew celebrated not only your birthday, but also the day you were going to die in the future?  And people got together and ate ham, and eggs, and candy shaped like bunnies, delivered by one of your buddies in a giant bunny costume.

"Hey, buddy!  Have an egg!  So you ready to die?  Yay!  Have an egg!  What a Good Friday this is!  Have an egg!"

I don't know about you, but if I died, and my friends got together every year on that anniversary, and referred to it as a "Good" day, I'd be looking down from Heaven like... "Go to Hell!"

You better believe I'd be haunting the shit out of those guys.  Think pea soup, heads spinning unnaturally, exorcism style.

Aynal Rand

So there's a movie coming out based on a book of the same name.  Atlas Shrugged by Ayn Rand.  Not a fan of Ayn Rand.  And like I always say, you can't spell "Ayn Rand" without "Aynal" ... well, you can, but either way something smells like bullshit.

I'm Basically Best Friends With J. Peterman From Seinfeld

Yesterday I met John O'Hurley, actor and best friend, known for having starred as J. Peterman on the show Seinfeld.  He spoke at a local college on the topic of following your dreams and living an extraordinary life.

We shared a lot of moments during that talk, a lot of looks.  He looked at me.  I looked back at him.  It was understood:  we are best friends forever.  It felt much like this...

Now some, full of ignorance and stupidity and evil, would say, "If you're such best friends, surely you have a picture of you and him together, best-friending it up."  Well then, sir or madame, if it so pleases the court, I present to you exhibit B-23463!

O'Hurley generously offered to be the celebrity
spokesperson for whatever terrible affliction
I look like I'm suffering from in this picture.

The defense rests!

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a famous best friend to walk arm in arm with in a heterosexual fashion.  And we'll be skipping, too!  Take that!

Signing off.  The future Mr. John O'Hurley.

MLB Excited by New Untainted Home Run Race Between Mustachioed Mark McGwireberg and Sammy Sosavich

MLB commissioner Bud Selig today cheered on the home run rivalry between two virtually unknown sluggers, Mark McGwireberg and Sammy Sosavich.  The naturally gigantic McGwireberg and Sosavich have been large-heading across the country, putting on what can only be described as a 100% natural hitting display.

Selig says this should once and for all eliminate the sour taste in the collective mouth of baseball fans everywhere following years of tainted home run records.  "These men should not be punished simply for hitting a lot of home runs and avoiding the more classic small ball strategy," said Selig.  "However, I can't stress this enough: there are no small balls here."

Birth certificates xeroxed for the press show McGwireberg hails from a small town "over there in Asia" while Sosavich is native to "the Moon."

It's a Sad Day for Good-Looking, Rich, White, Harvard Graduates

Today it was reported that the hilariously named Winklevoss twins, Cameron and Tyler, cannot back out of their $20 million settlement with Facebook.  The settlement was originally reached after they sued Facebook CEO and former Harvard colleague Mark Zuckerberg on the grounds that he stole their idea.  Now that Facebook is worth a gagillion dollars, a great deal more than $20 million, the Winkle Twins have tried to reopen the case, but were rejected.

I hope these downtrodden young go-getters find some closure.  If these financially sound and resource-rich Joe Shmoes can't catch a break, what chance do the rest of us have?

Judging from their latest Facebook status update, they seem to be taking it pretty hard...

Opening Day at U.S. Cellular Field

Having just gone to opening day at Wrigley Field to see the Cubs, wouldn't you know a second friend asked if I wanted to attend opening day at U.S. Cellular to see the White Sox?

As a Chicago outsider, here are some things I've noticed about U.S. Cellular compared to Wrigley...

• More winning.
• More parking lot.
• More outdoor urination... but not by much, Wrigley.
• More hair.  Not so much on top of the head, more like yeehaw-ing down the back.
• More NASCAR themed stuff.  See previous note.
• Fights break out in the stadium.  At Wrigley they wait until they're at the surrounding bars when they can get real glass bottles.
• I wouldn't call it an aerobic crowd.
• Girls actually know the names of players.  Well, I'm pretty sure they're girls.
• Guys in the bathrooms talk a lot.  Lots of witty repartee.  (Ex. "If you're shakin' more than twice, fellas, you're playin' with yourself.")  To mask some closet homosexual tendencies?  Unclear.
• Not many discussions about Libya's geopolitical situation.
• More discussions where the word "pork" is used as a verb, two seats away from where it's being used as a noun, in front of a row where it's being eaten, behind a row where it's being thrown up.
• Nicknamed "The Cell," probably to make the attending crowd feel more familiar with it.
• Not going to say it's in a worse neighborhood, but the stadium has in-house parole officers.
• The most popular souvenir is the official White Sox Pregnancy Test.  Followed closely by the official White Sox Paternity Test.

I kid, I kid.  All in all, it was a fun time.  People were nice.  Our carjacker even dropped us off at the Metra station.  Ah, me with the jokes!

10 New Ben & Jerry Flavors

Lindsay Lohan's "Caught Lohanded"
Ginger, craisins, a discounted five fingers of whiskey, and a smattering of court dates. 

Charlie Sheen's "Rehabananas"
Coke flavoring, two and a half scoops of random nuts, and bananas... tons of bananas.

Senator John Boehner's "Raging Boehner"
Pure rich white vanilla, rubbed down in caramel coloring, and man tears.

WI Governor Scott Walker's "Classless RE: Unions"
A lovely combination of Wisconsin's best native ingredients, broken up with a single wiener at the center. Taken rectally.  Best served at zero degrees.

President Barack Obama's "Yes Pecan!"
Packed with promise, theoretically thought to be the most delicious ice cream available, though no one knows as it melts and evaporates under even minimal atmospheric pressure.

Glenn Beck's "White Chalk-olate-Tea Party"
White chocolate, pieces of real fox, and tea leaves for predicting the inevitable apocalyptic future.  Rewrite history with the special blackboard container!

Fox News Host Megyn Kelly's "Y, God, Y?"
Looks real good, but leaves a bad taste in your mouth.  Includes chocolyte chyps, gyn, raisyns, and a hynt of mynt.

Muammar Ghaddafi's "Coffee Ghaddafi"
A hyper-caffeinated coffee flavor that never seems to want to leave, is filled with nuts, and only hurts you because he loves you so much. Carton topped with a cute little hat.

Barry Bonds' "Berry Suspiciously Delicious"
Powerful, full-bodied chocolate number, accented with raspberries, shrunken prunes and a huge melon flavor.

Donald Trump's "Dits & Pieces"
A colorful wealth of show, but very little to sustain you.  This tower of empty calories is combed through with a touch of lemon to make your face pucker.  A favorite among female model types.  Featuring Ben & Jerry's first ever holographic carton top.  It looks like it's there, but it's not!

The SyFy Channel Must Finally Admit That All Their "Original" Movies Are the Equivalent to a Good Wink

This morning the SyFy Channel -- formerly the more properly spelled SciFi Channel -- showed yet another "SyFy Original" featuring some type of killer animal, mutated in such a way as to cause unrealistic damage to the world, the public, and our IQs.

These movies are a joke.  I'm convinced.  These movies can't possibly be written this poorly, acted in this atrociously, and directed so incompetently while maintaining even a modicum of seriousness by the creators.

So, I move that SyFy preface or follow these films with a person winking.  I don't care what it looks like, who the person is, but you must finally admit that these films are done tongue-in-cheek and that the horrible quality is intentional.

If your tag line is to be believed, SyFy...

 
... then you must follow your own philosophy and imagine that there are things greater out than...

• Mega Python versus Gatoroid
• Sharktopus
• Mega Piranha
• Mongolian Death Worm
• Mothman
• Stonehenge Apocalypse
• Scream of the Banshees

You must wink.  I demand winking.  There's no other explanation.

Better Ads in Gmail?

When I open my email today, I was greeted by 1) the tiny man who lives in my computer and operates its innards, and 2) this notice...

Better ads in Gmail?  Oh, huzzah!  I was just thinking to myself the other day, "Self, I wish internet ads were better.  Not gone, not out of view, not eliminated from the interwebscape, but rather popping up bigger and better, further monopolizing my computer's resources, making the tiny man inside work harder than ever before, chiseling his body like that of a chess player's -- a chess player who uses 100lb pieces on a board 1 mile square!"

This reminds me of a post I did a long time ago, in a galaxy far far away, when girls who wanted to date me were also far far away. It was called Fun with Google Ads.  Basically I would think of the weirdest phrases possible so that the Google ad machine wouldn't know what to do with itself when analyzing my content.

"My Content" is also the name of my penis.  Girls are always wanting to download My Content.

Too much?  Yes, it was.

Let's see what kinds of ads are generated on search engines and emails and Facebook with these phrases inserted into the interwebscape...

• Robot Felatio
• Gazpacho Ninja
• Angry Fetus
• Debutant Crankshaft
• Miller Oblong Technicolor
• Shammy Gamecock
• Pooper McScooper
• Skittle Disco
• Tender God Machine
• Lover Squirrel
• Qwerty Toiletries
• Tortoise Techno
• Nipple Neglect

And now we wait...  Unfortunately, there's really no way of knowing what will happen, as I don't display ads on my site.  Still, the potential for chaos is palpable, mwahaha!  Take that, Google!  Fear the supreme power of Tender God Machine and Lover Squirrel!

...

Yeah, I'm scared too.  It's okay, you can cry.  This post has indeed become quite disturbing.

Opening Day at Wrigley Field

I'm not a Cubs fan, I'm a Brewers fan. But I do love me some baseball, so when my friend asked me if I wanted to go to opening day at Wrigley, of course I accepted.

The place is a sports landmark. As with Fenway Park, any true fan of the game appreciates Wrigley Field for its history, and the fact that very little has changed aesthetically.

Christ, I'm pretty sure I saw some handlebar mustaches stuck to the bottom of the trash cans beneath piles of old top hats, bowlers, and derbies. And the trash cans were still labeled with ads for Old Man Thackery's Brain Fever Tonic.

"Keep your mistress' fussy britches in biblical order with Old Man Thackery's Homemade Brain Fever Tonic!"

Anytime you go to Wrigley or the surrounding Wrigleyville area, you have to be ready for certain things.

1) Drinking on a vast scale.  Think Carl-Sagan-explains-the-universe vast.  I'm almost positive that the city of Chicago invented BYOB (bring your own beer).  Every restaurant has this policy.  I admit, I like, I like.  But I have a feeling it was implemented to fix a problem not draw crowds, i.e.,"These drunks keep sneaking in alcohol... you know what, Christ, just let them..."

2) Baseball bunnies, a.k.a. girls completely decked out in Cubs gear, usually blond.  They need to use the bathroom, but they'll just wait until "halftime" so they don't miss any "points."  This is true of a lot of sports teams and arenas, but it's something Wrigley is especially noted for.

3) Hopes dashed.  This is just what Wrigley Field does. The groundskeepers probably lose against the field-destroying varmints.  The outfield wall loses to the ivy every year.  The announcers are probably regularly static-shocked by their microphones.  The hot dog vendors lose to the 10-pack of hot dogs 8-pack of buns conundrum.  Not even Charlie Sheen wins at Wrigley.
 
If you're not comfortable with failure, listening to groans, experiencing dreams shattered before you, maybe the Cubs aren't for you.  Then again, they have to win a World Series eventually, right?  "This could be the year," you say.

There, now you're sounding like a real Cubs fan.

NOTE: The Cubs lost to the Pirates on Opening Day.  However, the Brewers were swept by the Reds, so the southwest Lake Michigan area is pretty sad right now in the world of baseball.

Scott Walker & the Naughty Union Girls Hotline

This video is an oldie-but-a-goody that a friend and I worked on about the current governor from Wisconsin.  Scott Walker doesn't really like the unions.  Scott Walker was duped into taking a prank phone call that made him look foolish.  This is a take off of that.  I'll throw it up here for posterity's sake.  Enjoy.