A Missouri movie theater manager is on the defensive after staging a publicity stunt where a man in tactical gear and fake guns entered the theater during the opening of Iron Man 3. When asked if he regretted the decision, after multiple people called 911 and police rushed to the scene, the theater manager said, "No, my job is to entertain people." In future news, a Missouri theater owner is under arrest for celebrating his son's 8th birthday by having him fake-kidnapped.
A new poll from Public Policy Polling shows that 54% of Americans have an unfavorable view of 19 year old pop star Justin Bieber. Bieber's camp responded to the poll by saying this is probably just a push by Anne Frank to sell more diaries.
Gwyneth Paltrow said this week that she is never going to the Met Gala, the "fashion Oscars," again, claiming it was crowded and hot and "un-fun." The Met Gala shot back saying, "Yeah, well, your... face is... crowded with un-fun." The Met Gala then went to high five someone nearby, but was restricted by some awful futuristic looking fashion traffic jam that it was probably sewed into.
Whatever-Her-Profession-Is-Now Amanda Bynes is starting a clothing line which she says will be a "mixture or sick styles." Like this one for instance, which is a mixture of methadone sickly and Garth from Wayne's World...
That's a record! I mean, forget unemployment and healthcare and poverty and hunger happening within our own country and education costs and workers having benefits squeezed out of them... HOORAY FOR THE STOCK MARKET! HOORAY FOR EVERYTHING!
Okay, all those people I know who love Garden State. Here's your chance to help unload another Braff movie into the world. We've been without a Zach Braff written/directed film for 9 years now and the air was really starting to clear. But, please, feel free to indulge your selfish curiosity and ignore humanity's welfare.
Tandem bikes. They seem so jolly. With painfully perfect posture, two people ride with a person who must be nothing less than their best buddy in the whole wide world. While the rest of us look on with single seated lonely jealousy.
That used to be my view. But today I was witness to something that changed all that.
It was in the 50s today, and sunny, rather beautiful for April in Wisconsin. I drove down to the lakefront to enjoy the weather, and saw many others who obviously had the same idea. This included two guys and a tandem bicycle. In about the two minutes it took me to wait for a red light, then continue past them as the light went green, I experienced their entire friendship.
So with out further ado, I present...
A Bicycle Built For Two Minutes Of Friendship
The mellow April sun glazes the horizon, while the lakefront community is still abound with people taking advantage of the refreshing Sunday evening weather. Cars file through slowly, leisurely, some windows even rolled down. It's brisk, but the sun deceives the mind when people want to believe that Summer is close. Barnaby, warmed only by a hooded sweatshirt over a t-shirt and jeans, whips around the corner on his tandem bicycle. At the moment, he is alone, manning the entire bike from the front seat with little trouble. Not a second after making the turn, he spots his friend Julius walking the lakefront, a backpack slung over his shoulder. Barnaby waves excitedly to Julius, and then slows to meet him. Julius engages Barnaby with a friendly handshake and marvels at the bike. Barnaby, the proud owner of such a contraption, beams humbly. After a few back-and-forths, Barnaby gestures to the back seat. Julius thinks for only second before graciously accepting. He climbs aboard and the two friends begin down the road. They're moving at a swift pace and cross smoothly through an intersection. But awaiting them on the other side is an incline, and it seems steeper than they thought. They're caught completely off guard. Soon Barnaby and Julius are struggling to maintain forward momentum. They teeter back and forth attempting to propel the bike forward. Teetering, tottering, Barnaby shifts the front wheel left and right to keep balance. They're pulling the handlebars with all their might to drive their feet to the ground, to drive this bike up the hill... But to no avail. The bike and its occupants fall to one side and Julius and Barnaby each catch themselves with a planted foot on the cement. Julius' backpack shifts and pulls him further toward the ground. Barnaby lifts the bike to begin again, but Julius, frustrated and being somewhat strangled by his backpack, isn't ready. Barnaby can't lift the bike and Julius at the same time, but he won't have to. Julius awkwardly lifts his leg over and away from the bike and the weight of the backpack causes him to stumble slightly as he moves toward the sidewalk. His friend Barnaby straightens the bike and waits for him to get back on, but Julius continues on the sidewalk. Barnaby raises his hands curiously. Julius doesn't turn around and manages only a small gracious wave back in Barnaby's direction while continuing up the hill. Barnaby watches for a moment, gives a slight shrug, then twirls the bike around, back the way he came. They came. He pumps the hand brakes a few times until he's ready, then begins the breezy coast down the hill. Much easier, they both think.
Let's be honest, except for their faces, babies are ugly, vile creatures. With their cloven hooves and their razor sharp crustacean claws and their acid spit if startled or provoked and their shady under the table dealings. So here's a way to keep them cute and everyone around you safe...
"Mwahahaha! The woman you once knew as 'Deborah' no longer exists! Mwahaha!